“Davos 2025: Where the Elite Juggle the World’s Future for Profit”
The Grandiose Circus of Davos
By Bernd Pulch
The 2025 World Economic Forum began, as always, with the noble elite descending upon Davos in their private jets to discuss how to save the planet from carbon emissions. Klaus Glucklich, the WEF’s venerable chairman, emerged from behind a haze of ethically-sourced fog machines, donning his eco-suit woven from recycled dollar bills and sprinkled with the tears of laid-off workers.
Standing at the podium, he unveiled this year’s theme: “Sustainability Through Unlimited Growth.” The crowd erupted in thunderous applause, not because they understood the theme, but because it was projected in bold Helvetica on a 50-foot carbon-neutral LED screen, and bold Helvetica was always very convincing.
“We must act now,” Glucklich proclaimed, his voice heavy with performative sincerity, “to ensure the poor have enough to eat, the climate stabilizes, and, most importantly, our quarterly profits—oops, I mean, the planet—continue to grow.” He nodded solemnly.
The irony wasn’t lost on anyone, but irony had no place in Davos. A thousand hands, adorned with diamond-encrusted Apple Watches, clinked glasses filled with $10,000 bottles of champagne. In the back row, an assistant Googled the word “sustainability” while pretending to take notes.
The Climate War Panel: Gamifying Poverty
The Climate War Panel opened with a stunning announcement from Martin Slim, a tech billionaire with a permanent smirk and the charisma of a used-car salesman. Slim revealed his latest project: HungerQuest, a revolutionary app designed to “gamify poverty.”
“Here’s how it works,” Slim began, his voice oozing condescension. “We give the poor points for finding food. These points can be traded for NFTs, which can then be sold to rich people for… more food. It’s the perfect circular economy!”
The room fell silent for a brief moment. Then, as if on cue, applause erupted. “Brilliant!” someone shouted. “It’s like capitalism but with badges!” Slim basked in their admiration, blissfully unaware—or perhaps keenly aware—that his app was just digital serfdom with a modern interface.
Meanwhile, in the adjacent session on “Gender Equality in AI,” the event’s voice-recognition system refused to acknowledge the female keynote speaker. “I’m sorry,” the AI said repeatedly, “I didn’t catch that, Mr. Chairman.” The moderator apologized profusely, blaming it on the algorithm, which, unsurprisingly, was programmed by a man.
Elon Musk: Mars and Escape Plans
The highlight of the event was Elon Musk, who arrived in dramatic fashion via his experimental Mars-bound rocket, landing squarely on the Sustainability Pavilion, setting it ablaze. He emerged unscathed, holding a flamethrower, grinning like a man who had just redefined irony as a luxury product.
“Great news, everyone!” Musk announced. “Mars is ready for colonization. The billionaires have a Plan B, so relax about Earth.”
“But what about the rest of humanity?” asked a brave journalist in the corner.
“Oh, they’re invited too,” Musk said cheerfully. “It’s just $10 million for a one-way ticket. Or $9.5 million if you book before April. See? I care about affordability.”
The crowd erupted in laughter. Musk winked. He wasn’t joking.
The Future of Work: Goodbye Humans
Over in the Future of Work Pavilion, a sleek demo showcased the latest in AI-driven robotic labor. The robots were dazzling: metallic, efficient, and disturbingly polite. They performed jobs ranging from customer service to neurosurgery, all while maintaining a calm monotone that screamed, “Unionize this, puny humans.”
“Human workers are obsolete,” declared Dr. Innovatio, a futurist with a penchant for looking smug. “These robots are faster, smarter, and—best of all—they don’t ask for bathroom breaks.”
“But what about the workers they replace?” asked an economist in the back.
“Ah, not to worry,” Innovatio replied. “We’ve partnered with HungerQuest. The unemployed can earn NFTs while they, you know… starve. We call it ‘resilience innovation.’”
The room burst into applause. Humanity’s extinction had never sounded so progressive.
The Grand Finale: The Global Sustainability Coin
As the event drew to a close, Klaus Glucklich returned to the stage to unveil the WEF’s crowning achievement: the Global Sustainability Coin. This new cryptocurrency would replace traditional money, ensuring that every transaction—whether buying bread or bribing a politician—would be taxed to fund “green initiatives” like private space yachts and gold-plated solar panels.
“Together,” Glucklich boomed, “we can achieve utopia. All we ask is your trust, your support, and, naturally, 95% of your income.”
The crowd erupted in a standing ovation. As delegates filed out to their private helicopters, the staff quietly swept up the leftover caviar and champagne. They, too, were paid in exposure.
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