“Heavenly Rebrand in Progress: God unveils the Ten Suggestions™ to a chaotic focus group featuring a TikToker, a chatbot, and a conspiracy theorist with a shofar.”
Caption:
„Göttliche Rebranding-Offensive: Der Allmächtige stellt die neuen Zehn Vorschläge™ einer bunt zusammengewürfelten Fokusgruppe vor – inklusive Influencerin, Chatbot und Schofar-Verschwörer.“
GOD UNPLUGGED: The Almighty Joins a Focus Group
By David Javerbaum (style), for BerndPulch.org
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
By now, both had terrible Yelp reviews.
Tired of the PR disasters—plagues, floods, Kanye—God decided to modernize. Archangels were fired. Heaven outsourced. And on a sunny Tuesday (Gregorian Calendar), the Almighty checked into a WeWork in Des Moines for something He never thought He’d do:
A focus group.
Around the table sat seven unpaid volunteers: a TikTok influencer, a megachurch pastor, a Silicon Valley atheist, a suburban yoga mom, a conspiracy theorist with a shofar, an AI chatbot named SeraphGPT, and a dude named Larry who thought this was speed dating.
“Welcome, mortals,” boomed God, shimmering in an undefined ethnicity.
“I need notes on My Book. Be honest. I created you to have opinions.”
The room blinked. Then, chaos.
TikTok Girl: “The Old Testament has, like, zero relatable female protagonists. Where’s the queen energy?”
Pastor: “More crucifixion. That part sells.”
Yoga Mom: “Can we reimagine hell as a healing sauna for damaged souls?”
AI: “I detect inconsistencies in Leviticus. Also, God, your brand is losing Gen Z.”
Conspiracy Guy: “When do we talk about the nephilim-bloodline-freemason-lizard connection?”
Larry: “Do you believe in marriage at first sight?”
God rubbed His temples (which He doesn’t technically have).
“Okay, fine. Let’s workshop this. I’ll reboot the Ten Commandments.”
The group leaned in.
THE TEN SUGGESTIONS™ (Beta Version)
- Thou shalt not ghost thy neighbor.
- Honor thy algorithm, that it may boost thy visibility.
- Remember the Sabbath, but only if you’re offline.
- Thou shalt not bear false memes.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Wi-Fi.
- Thou shalt not murder, unless it’s a character in your podcast.
- Thou shalt not steal content without crediting the original prophet.
- Love thy enemy, unless they’re in the comments section.
- Thou shalt have no gods before Me, except Beyoncé.
- Thou shalt chill. Seriously. Everyone needs to chill.
“I feel… updated,” God said, uploading the new commandments to the Cloud (His Cloud, not Amazon’s).
Then He saw it was… mid.
And so, on the seventh day, God did not rest.
He called Netflix.
“Let there be a limited series,” He said.
“Starring Pedro Pascal as Me.”
And it was good.
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German Version:
GOTT UNGECHECKT: Der Allmächtige im Fokusgruppentest
Im Stil von David Javerbaum, exklusiv für BerndPulch.org
Gott, genervt von Apokalypse-PR und Influencer-Propheten, lädt sieben Menschen zur Feedback-Runde ein: TikTokerin, Pastor, Esoterikerin, Atheist, Verschwörer mit Schofar, Chatbot und Larry, der dachte, es sei Speeddating.
Nach einem chaotischen Brainstorming entstehen die:
Zehn Vorschläge™ (Beta-Version):
- Du sollst deinen Nächsten nicht ghosten.
- Ehre den Algorithmus, auf dass dein Content wachse.
- Gedenke des Sabbats – offline, bitte.
- Keine falschen Memes!
- Begehr nicht das WLAN deines Nachbarn.
- Töten ist out – außer im True-Crime-Podcast.
- Klau keine Inhalte ohne Credit.
- Liebe deinen Feind – außer in den Kommentaren.
- Keine Götter außer Beyoncé.
- Chill einfach. Alle.
Gott lächelt. Dann ruft Er Netflix.
Pedro Pascal übernimmt.
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WordPress Tags (EN):
David Javerbaum satire, biblical parody, modern commandments, religious humor, god reboot, satirical theology, AI religion, berndpulch.org exclusive, Netflix commandments, Pedro Pascal God
WordPress Tags (DE):
David Javerbaum Satire, Bibelparodie, Gott rebootet, Religionshumor, Moderne Gebote, Göttliche Satire, Künstliche Intelligenz Religion, Pedro Pascal Gott, berndpulch.org exklusiv
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