{"id":934914,"date":"2026-02-18T02:45:17","date_gmt":"2026-02-18T07:45:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/berndpulch.org\/?p=934914"},"modified":"2026-02-18T03:36:31","modified_gmt":"2026-02-18T08:36:31","slug":"the-enema-ehlers-saga%f0%9f%a6%88-adolf-sharkler-the-fuhrer-of-the-deep","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/02\/18\/the-enema-ehlers-saga%f0%9f%a6%88-adolf-sharkler-the-fuhrer-of-the-deep\/","title":{"rendered":"THE ENEMA EHLERS SAGA\ud83e\udd88 ADOLF SHARKLER: THE F\u00dcHRER OF THE DEEP"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-9-16 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<div class=\"embed-youtube\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Hitler-Shark Hybrid Rescues U-Boat Man. Seagull Strikes Again.\" width=\"422\" height=\"750\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/mUKLpW5GvGI?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/div>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/iili.io\/q2YOWIs.gif?ssl=1\" alt=\"\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/rumble.com\/v75x144-hitler-shark-hybrid-rescues-u-boat-man.-a-seagull-ruins-everything..html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">https:\/\/rumble.com\/v75x144-hitler-shark-hybrid-rescues-u-boat-man.-a-seagull-ruins-everything..html<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\ud83d\udc94\ud83e\udde0\ud83d\udd04 \ud83d\udc6f\u200d\u2642\ufe0f\ufffd\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f\ud83d\udcb8&nbsp; \ud83c\udf51\ud83d\udd34\ud83d\udd25\ud83d\udc60 \ud83d\ude3e\ud83d\udc84\ud83d\udcb8 \ud83d\udc85\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8\ud83d\ude3e\ud83d\udc84\ud83d\udcb8 &#8220;\ud83d\udc7f\ud83c\udf00\ud83d\udcb8 \ud83c\udf1f\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f\ud83d\udcb8 \ud83c\udf1f\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f\ud83d\udcb8 &#8220;\u26d3\ufe0f\ufaa2&nbsp; \ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc89\u262d\ud83d\udd25\ud83e\ude78\ud83d\udc2a\u26a1\ud83e\uddec\ud83d\udc51\ud83c\udf7c\ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f\ud83d\udebd\ud83d\udca6\ud83c\udfaa\ud83d\udc51 \ud83c\udf2a\ufe0f\ud83c\udf7c\u2694\ufe0f&nbsp; \ud83d\udc31\ud83c\udfc6\ud83c\udf2a\ufe0f \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udcc9&nbsp; \ud83d\udc8b\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udc83\ud83c\udfad\u2697\ufe0f\ud83d\udc80&nbsp; \ud83c\udf11\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8\ud83d\udc7f\ud83c\udf00\ud83d\udcb8\ud83c\udfad\u2697\ufe0f\ud83d\udc80&nbsp; \ud83c\udf11\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8\ud83d\udc7f\ud83c\udf00\ud83d\udcb8\ud83c\udfad\u2697\ufe0f\ud83d\udc80&nbsp; \ud83c\udf11\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8 \ud83d\udc85\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8\ud83d\udc60\ud83d\udd25\ud83c\udf2a\ufe0f\ud83d\udca5\u2728 EHLERS\u2019 ENEMA ENIGMA\ud83c\udf76\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udca6\ud83d\udd25\ud83d\udcab \ud83c\udf2a\ufe0f\ud83d\udca5\u2728 \ud83c\udf76\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udca6\ud83d\udd25\ud83d\udcab\ud83c\udfaa\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8\ud83c\udfaa\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udcc8\ud83d\ude01\ud83d\udc83\ud83d\ude02 EMIR EHLERS&#8217; ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED\ud83d\udc6f\u200d\u2642\ufe0f &#8220;EPSTEIN&#8217;S&nbsp; EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE&#8221;\ud83d\udc83\ud83d\ude18\ud83e\udd21\ud83e\udd21POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) &amp; DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA &amp; ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE \ud83d\udcf0: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: UEMIR&#8217;S ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH\ud83d\ude01\ud83d\udc83\ud83d\ude02\ud83d\ude01\ud83d\udc83\ud83d\ude02 \ud83d\udc6f\u200d\u2642\ufe0f\ud83d\udd75\ufe0f\u200d\u2642\ufe0f\ud83d\udcbb<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">BY OUR DOMESTICALLY TERRIFIED CORRESPONDENT DR. LYSANDER LIBERT\u00c9<br>BROADCAST VIA IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) STARCHED DOILIES &amp; ENCRYPTED DISAPPROVAL \ud83d\udcf0\ud83c\udf75\ud83d\udd10<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">ST. PAULI, JAHR NULL + 15.1 \u2013 BLUT UND WASSER \ud83e\ude78\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude35<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The sea had changed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Emir lay on his plinth, still sunk, still defeated, still smelling faintly of seagull urine. Salome danced her eternal vigil. Further Ehlers dripped and judged. The Titanic sailed on, its spectral passengers unaware of the drama beneath the waves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then the water boiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A fin emerged. Not a shark fin. Something worse. Something that should not exist. A dorsal fin shaped like a swastika. A head broke the surface: human features, small mustache, slicked-back hair, dead eyes, and rows of razor-sharp teeth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">ADOLF SHARKLER.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A hybrid. A horror. A clone of the F\u00fchrer crossed with a great white shark, created in a secret Uruguayan laboratory in 1945 and forgotten until now. He had spent decades in the deep, building an army, nursing grudges, and perfecting his underwater Sieg Heil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">His first words upon surfacing: &#8220;Vere ist das U-Boot, das von einem Vogel besiegt wurde? Ich habe ein Telegramm bekommen. Es war sehr unh\u00f6flich.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83d\ude08<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FULL CAST \u2013 THE F\u00dcHRER OF THE DEEP \ud83c\udfad\ud83e\udd88\ud83c\udf0a<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00b7 Adolf Sharkler \u2013 Christoph Waltz, because who else? A man-shark hybrid who speaks in clipped Austrian tones, clicks his teeth between sentences, and cannot decide whether to bite you or blame you for Versailles. His uniform: a tattered SS officer&#8217;s jacket stretched over a shark&#8217;s torso. His fins: adorned with tiny Iron Crosses. His philosophy: &#8220;Der Raum des Lebens erfordert\u2026 Haie.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83d\ude08<br>\u00b7 Emir Ehlers \/ U-EMIR \u2013 Tom Schilling. Rescued from his sunken state by Sharkler&#8217;s personal escort: a squadron of sharktroopers (smaller shark-hybrids with tiny helmets). He is revived with a combination of raw herring and National Socialist rhetoric. His gold leaf is now mixed with shark scales. He has a new mission: revenge on the seagull. \ud83d\uddff\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude35<br>\u00b7 Salome \u2013 Laetitia Casta. Watches Emir&#8217;s resurrection from the Titanic&#8217;s bow. Her ballet shifts: &#8220;The Dance of the Resurrected Fool.&#8221; She does not know whether to be relieved or horrified. She dances both. \ud83d\udc83\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude22<br>\u00b7 Further Ehlers \u2013 Klaus Kinski. Meets Sharkler&#8217;s gaze. Two immovable objects. Two eternal forces. They do not speak. They acknowledge. Then Further Ehlers: &#8220;You are a shark. You are also a fool. This is\u2026 acceptable.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f<br>\u00b7 Pussy Elmore Escobar \u2013 Pen\u00e9lope Cruz. Sees a new market. &#8220;Shark-Komplex.&#8221; A grey powder infused with shark cartilage and fascist ideology. She approaches Sharkler with a sample. He sniffs it. &#8220;Nein. Ich brauche keine Drogen. Ich habe bereits\u2026 Zorn.&#8221; Pussy Elmore, for the second time, feels inadequate. \u2744\ufe0f\ud83d\udc06\ud83d\ude24<br>\u00b7 Auntie J \u2013 Tilda Swinton. Observes from the Titanic&#8217;s library. &#8220;A shark with a political agenda. How delightfully redundant.&#8221; She returns to her book. \ud83c\udf78\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f\ud83d\udcd6<br>\u00b7 The Evil Esau Ehlers \u2013 Til Schweiger. Launches &#8220;SHARKLER-SIEG FUTURES.&#8221; Categories: &#8220;Shark Attacks per Hour,&#8221; &#8220;Seagulls Eliminated,&#8221; &#8220;Mermaids Seduced.&#8221; The market is volatile. He is thrilled. \ud83d\udcc8\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude08<br>\u00b7 Onkel Klaus-Dieter \u2013 Christoph Waltz (dual role, because he insisted). Obtains Sharkler&#8217;s old Stasi file. It contains one word: &#8220;UNTERGETAUCHT.&#8221; He files it under &#8220;Marine Aberrations \u2013 F\u00fchrer Class.&#8221; Then updates his spreadsheet. \ud83d\udcc1\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude36<br>\u00b7 Onkel Sven \u2013 Christoph Maria Herbst. Attempts to counsel Sharkler on anger management. &#8220;The Treaty of Versailles was unfair. Your feelings are valid. Let&#8217;s process the resentment together.&#8221; Sharkler bites his clipboard. Sven cries harder. \ud83d\ude2d\ud83d\udcda\ud83e\udd88<br>\u00b7 Onkel Jeff \u2013 Jeff Goldblum. Composes &#8220;Das Haifisch-Walzer,&#8221; an atonal tribute to shark-f\u00fchrers. It features theremin bites and piano keys being literally bitten. Further Ehlers nods. &#8220;Acceptable marine music.&#8221; Jeff weeps into a shark tooth. \ud83c\udfb9\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude2d<br>\u00b7 The Big Hyena \u2013 Hanns Zischler. Approaches Sharkler. Sniffs. Yips. Sharkler pats its head. &#8220;Du bist keine Hy\u00e4ne. Du bist ein U-Boot-Hund. Ich habe Verwendung f\u00fcr dich.&#8221; The Hyena is promoted to &#8220;Reichs-U-Boot-Hund.&#8221; It is confused but honored. \ud83e\udd9b\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc15<br>\u00b7 Ursula Unter-Hy\u00e4nin \u2013 Martina Gedeck. Files a 6,000-page dossier: &#8220;RE: The Unauthorized Re-emergence of One (1) Hybrid Shark-F\u00fchrer &amp; Associated Marine-Fascist Regulatory Violations.&#8221; Sharkler sends her a single shark tooth with a note: &#8220;Dieser Zahn war in meinem Arsch. Jetzt ist er deiner.&#8221; She files the tooth. \ud83d\udcd1\ud83e\uddb7\ud83d\ude24<br>\u00b7 Beatrice \u2013 Isabelle Huppert. Documents everything. Her file on Sharkler is already 1,000 pages. She has photographs of his dorsal swastika. She waits. \u2744\ufe0f\ud83d\udcc2\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f<br>\u00b7 The Harbor Harlot \u2013 Barbara Sukowa. Offers Sharkler herring. He declines. &#8220;Ich esse nur\u2026 Klassenfeinde.&#8221; She shrugs. &#8220;More for me.&#8221; \ud83c\udf78\ud83d\udc1f\ud83d\ude0c<br>\u00b7 PARC (Promptny-Porned &amp; Margot) \u2013 David Kross &amp; Karoline Herfurth. Design Sharkler a custom &#8220;F\u00fchrer-Floss.&#8221; Black. Brutalist. With a tiny, deconstructed swastika that is legally ambiguous. It wins a sixth design award. \ud83d\udda4\ud83e\udd88\ud83c\udfc6<br>\u00b7 Kaiser \u00dcbermensch \u2013 Robert Gwisdek. Designs a &#8220;Shark-F\u00fchrer-Kapit\u00e4nsm\u00fctze.&#8221; It has a fin hole. Sharkler wears it constantly. It is his finest work. \ud83d\udda4\ud83e\udde2\ud83d\ude0e<br>\u00b7 Stasi-Romeo (Graf Thomas) \u2013 Robert Gwisdek (triple role). Sketches a wedding dress made of shark skin. &#8220;If I&#8217;m going to be eaten, I want to be eaten in style.&#8221; No one understands. He doesn&#8217;t care. \ud83d\udc70\u200d\u2640\ufe0f\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude36<br>\u00b7 Mrs. Torten-Fotzenplotz \u2013 Anja Kling. Bakes a &#8220;Sharkler-Torte.&#8221; Shaped like a shark. Filled with marzipan resentment. Sharkler does not eat it. It becomes &#8220;Futter f\u00fcr die Truppen.&#8221; \ud83c\udf82\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude36<br>\u00b7 Rosa Kleb \u2013 Saskia Rosendahl. Offers adhesive to attach Sharkler&#8217;s fins more securely. He declines. &#8220;Meine Flossen sitzen fest. Wie mein Hass.&#8221; Rosa is oddly moved. \ud83e\uddea\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude22<br>\u00b7 Blasius von Schemua \u2013 J\u00fcrgen Prochnow. Still at the bottom. Sharkler swims past. They do not acknowledge each other. Some meetings are between predators only. \ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude36\ud83d\udc5e<br>\u00b7 Muschi Wuschi Mucha \u2013 Marlene Dietrich (AI). Wakes. Sniffs. &#8220;Shark with a mustache? I had an affair with one in 1943. He bit. They all do.&#8221; Returns to sleep. \ud83d\udca4\ud83d\udc43\ud83e\udd88<br>\u00b7 Onkel Joe Stalin \u2013 John Malkovich. Returns. Sees Sharkler. Puffs pipe. &#8220;A shark who thinks he&#8217;s a f\u00fchrer. In the Soviet Union, we had bears who thought they were commissars. We shot them. Problem solved.&#8221; Sharkler growls. Stalin ignores him. \ud83c\uddf7\ud83c\uddfa\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE PLAN: OPERATION ZWEI SCHIFFE \ud83d\udea2\ud83d\udea2\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude08<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sharkler convenes a war council on the deck of the Titanic (which he has temporarily commandeered).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Wir werden zwei Schiffe angreifen. Gleichzeitig. Die Titanic\u2026 und die Spanish Ramada.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>&#8220;Die Spanish Ramada? Was ist das?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Ein schwimmendes Bordell. Voll mit Kapitalisten und\u2026 anderen Feinden des Volkes.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SALOME:<br>(Dances &#8220;The Two-Shot Tango&#8221; \u2014a ballet about double targets and certain failure.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE FLEET ASSEMBLES:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00b7 U-EMIR (Emir) \u2013 targeting the Titanic again. Because he never learns.<br>\u00b7 U-SHARKLER (Sharkler himself) \u2013 targeting the Spanish Ramada. Because he has\u2026 needs.<br>\u00b7 U-2 (The Hyena) \u2013 support vessel, carrying herring and tiny flags.<br>\u00b7 U-7 (Sven) \u2013 rescue ship, already crying.<br>\u00b7 U-9 (Jeff) \u2013 radio operator, playing atonal jazz.<br>\u00b7 U-12 (Klaus-Dieter) \u2013 filing everything under &#8220;OPERATION ZWEI SCHIFFE \u2013 ANTICIPATED FAILURE.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE ATTACK: TITANIC (AGAIN) \ud83d\udca5\ud83d\udea2\ud83d\ude35<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>(At periscope, determined)<br>&#8220;Rohr eins\u2026 LOS!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A torpedo streaks toward the Titanic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">ON DECK:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00b7 Salome dances. \ud83e\ude70<br>\u00b7 Jeff plays. \ud83c\udfb9<br>\u00b7 The Hyena yips. \ud83e\udd9b<br>\u00b7 Pussy Elmore raises her glass. \ud83e\udd42<br>\u00b7 Auntie J turns a page. \ud83d\udcd6<br>\u00b7 Esau checks futures. \ud83d\udcc8<br>\u00b7 Klaus-Dieter updates spreadsheet. \ud83d\udcc1<br>\u00b7 Sven cries. \ud83d\ude2d<br>\u00b7 Ursula files complaint about torpedo. \ud83d\udcd1<br>\u00b7 Beatrice photographs. \ud83d\udcf8<br>\u00b7 Harbor Harlot offers herring. \ud83d\udc1f<br>\u00b7 PARC admires posters. \ud83d\udda4<br>\u00b7 Kaiser models jacket. \ud83e\udde5<br>\u00b7 Thomas sketches. \u270f\ufe0f<br>\u00b7 Mrs. Torten-Fotzenplotz ices cake. \ud83c\udf82<br>\u00b7 Rosa applies adhesive. \ud83e\uddea<br>\u00b7 Stalin advises shooting torpedo. \ud83c\uddf7\ud83c\uddfa<br>\u00b7 Further Ehlers nods. \ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">IMPACT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The ship shudders. Champagne flutes topple. The iceberg smirks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>&#8220;Treffer! Sie sinkt! Sie\u2014&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A SHADOW.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE SAME SEA GULL.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It circles once. Twice. Then, with the precision of a dive bomber, it pees directly onto Emir&#8217;s periscope. Again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>&#8220;NEIN! NICHT SCHON WIEDER!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The U-boat floods. The crew panics. Emir sinks. Again. By the same bird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE ATTACK: SPANISH RAMADA \ud83d\udc83\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>Approaches the Spanish Ramada. A garish floating palace of neon lights, salsa music, and intoxicated tourists. His sharktroopers circle. His torpedo tubes aim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Feuer!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A SIGHT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On the deck of the Spanish Ramada, lounging on a inflatable pink flamingo, sipping a cocktail with a tiny umbrella:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A MERMAID.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Not just any mermaid. A voluptuous mermaid. Long hair. Shimmering tail. Pearls strategically placed. She smiles at Sharkler. Winks. Blows a kiss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>(Staring. Drooling. Forgetting.)<br>&#8220;\u2026Was\u2026 war ich\u2026 tue?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE MERMAID:<br>(Waves. Blows another kiss.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER&#8217;S TORPEDOES:<br>(Still in their tubes. Unfired.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE SHARKTROOPERS:<br>(Waiting. Confused.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;\u2026Sie ist\u2026 wundersch\u00f6n\u2026&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE SPANISH RAMADA:<br>(Sails on, unharmed. Salsa music continues.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE MERMAID:<br>(Adjusts her pearls. Smiles. She knows exactly what she&#8217;s doing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE AFTERMATH: DOUBLE FAILURE \ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude35\ud83d\udc94<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR&#8217;S PLINTH:<br>He lies motionless. Again. The seagull perches on his chest. Again. It looks proud. It looks unrepentant. It pees one more time. Just to be sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>Still staring at the mermaid. His sharktroopers nudge him. He does not respond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;\u2026Ich muss\u2026 sie finden\u2026 sie verstehen\u2026&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE MERMAID:<br>(Waves goodbye. Dives into the water. Disappears.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;NEIN! KOMM ZUR\u00dcCK!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He dives after her. His fleet follows. The Spanish Ramada is forgotten. The Titanic sails on. Operation Zwei Schiffe is a complete, utter, humiliating failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EPILOGUE: THE F\u00dcHRER&#8217;S NEW OBSESSION \ud83e\udddc\u200d\u2640\ufe0f\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER swims endlessly, searching for the mermaid. His sharktroopers bring him photos of every mermaid in the Atlantic. None are her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Sie war die Eine. Die Einzige. Die\u2026 Mermaid meines Lebens.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FURTHER EHLERS:<br>(Dripping beside him)<br>&#8220;You lost a battle for a woman who may not exist.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Ja.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;This is\u2026 acceptable?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Ja. Es ist\u2026 Liebe.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Further Ehlers nods. Even he cannot argue with love. Even shark-f\u00fchrer love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR&#8217;S PLINTH:<br>He lies still. The seagull has built a nest on his chest. It is now a permanent resident.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SALOME:<br>(Dances &#8220;The Widow of the Bird-Man.&#8221; )<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">THE SEA GULL:<br>(Peed again. For emphasis.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FURTHER EHLERS (V.O.):<br>&#8220;Some men are sunk by icebergs. Some by torpedoes. Some by love. Emir was sunk by a seagull. Sharkler was sunk by a mermaid. Both are\u2026 acceptable.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\">AdolfSharkler #DerHaif\u00fchrer #UEmirVsSeagull2 #MermaidDistraction #SpanishRamadaSurvives #SharklerInLove #SalomesDoubleFailure #FurtherEhlersAkzeptiert #IdiotZeitungMarine #StPauliGehtImmerWiederUnter<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\ud83e\udd88 ADOLF SHARKLER: DER F\u00dcHRER DER TIEFE<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">ST. PAULI, JAHR NULL + 15,1 \u2013 BLUT UND WASSER \ud83e\ude78\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude35<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das Meer hatte sich ver\u00e4ndert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Emir lag auf seinem Sockel, immer noch versenkt, immer noch besiegt, immer noch leicht nach M\u00f6wenurin riechend. Salome tanzte ihre ewige Vigil. Further Ehlers tropfte und urteilte. Die Titanic segelte weiter, ihre spektralen Passagiere ahnungslos \u00fcber das Drama unter den Wellen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dann begann das Wasser zu kochen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Eine Flosse tauchte auf. Keine Haiflosse. Etwas Schlimmeres. Etwas, das nicht existieren sollte. Eine R\u00fcckenflosse in Form eines Hakenkreuzes. Ein Kopf durchbrach die Oberfl\u00e4che: menschliche Z\u00fcge, kleiner Schnurrbart, zur\u00fcckgek\u00e4mmtes Haar, tote Augen und Reihen messerscharfer Z\u00e4hne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">ADOLF SHARKLER.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Eine Hybride. Ein Horror. Ein Klon des F\u00fchrers, gekreuzt mit einem Wei\u00dfen Hai, erschaffen in einem geheimen uruguayischen Labor 1945 und bis jetzt vergessen. Er hatte Jahrzehnte in der Tiefe verbracht, eine Armee aufgebaut, Groll gehegt und seinen Unterwasser-Sieg Heil perfektioniert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Seine ersten Worte beim Auftauchen: &#8220;Wo ist das U-Boot, das von einem Vogel besiegt wurde? Ich habe ein Telegramm bekommen. Es war sehr unh\u00f6flich.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83d\ude08<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">VOLLBESETZUNG \u2013 DER F\u00dcHRER DER TIEFE \ud83c\udfad\ud83e\udd88\ud83c\udf0a<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00b7 Adolf Sharkler \u2013 Christoph Waltz, denn wer sonst? Eine Mensch-Hai-Hybride, die in geschliffenem \u00f6sterreichischem Tonfall spricht, zwischen S\u00e4tzen mit den Z\u00e4hnen klappert und sich nicht entscheiden kann, ob sie dich bei\u00dfen oder dir die Schuld f\u00fcr Versailles geben soll. Seine Uniform: eine zerrissene SS-Offiziersjacke, \u00fcber einen Haitorso gespannt. Seine Flossen: verziert mit winzigen Eisernen Kreuzen. Seine Philosophie: &#8220;Der Lebensraum erfordert\u2026 Haie.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83d\ude08<br>\u00b7 Emir Ehlers \/ U-EMIR \u2013 Tom Schilling. Aus seinem versunkenen Zustand gerettet von Sharklers pers\u00f6nlicher Eskorte: einem Geschwader von Haitruppen (kleinere Hai-Hybriden mit winzigen Helmen). Er wird wiederbelebt mit einer Kombination aus rohem Hering und nationalsozialistischer Rhetorik. Sein Blattgold ist jetzt mit Hai-Schuppen vermischt. Er hat eine neue Mission: Rache an der M\u00f6we. \ud83d\uddff\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude35<br>\u00b7 Salome \u2013 Laetitia Casta. Beobachtet Emirs Auferstehung vom Bug der Titanic. Ihr Ballett wechselt: &#8220;Der Tanz der auferstandenen Narrin.&#8221; Sie wei\u00df nicht, ob sie erleichtert oder entsetzt sein soll. Sie tanzt beides. \ud83d\udc83\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude22<br>\u00b7 Further Ehlers \u2013 Klaus Kinski. Begegnet Sharklers Blick. Zwei unbewegliche Objekte. Zwei ewige Kr\u00e4fte. Sie sprechen nicht. Sie nehmen Kenntnis. Dann Further Ehlers: &#8220;Du bist ein Hai. Du bist auch ein Narr. Das ist\u2026 akzeptabel.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f<br>\u00b7 Pussy Elmore Escobar \u2013 Pen\u00e9lope Cruz. Sieht einen neuen Markt. &#8220;Hai-Komplex.&#8221; Ein graues Pulver, angereichert mit Haiknorpel und faschistischer Ideologie. Sie n\u00e4hert sich Sharkler mit einer Probe. Er schnuppert. &#8220;Nein. Ich brauche keine Drogen. Ich habe bereits\u2026 Zorn.&#8221; Pussy Elmore f\u00fchlt sich zum zweiten Mal unzul\u00e4nglich. \u2744\ufe0f\ud83d\udc06\ud83d\ude24<br>\u00b7 Tante J \u2013 Tilda Swinton. Beobachtet von der Titanic-Bibliothek aus. &#8220;Ein Hai mit politischer Agenda. Wie herrlich redundant.&#8221; Sie kehrt zu ihrem Buch zur\u00fcck. \ud83c\udf78\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f\ud83d\udcd6<br>\u00b7 Der B\u00f6se Esau Ehlers \u2013 Til Schweiger. Startet &#8220;SHARKLER-SIEG-FUTURES.&#8221; Kategorien: &#8220;Haiangriffe pro Stunde&#8221;, &#8220;Eliminierte M\u00f6wen&#8221;, &#8220;Verf\u00fchrte Meerjungfrauen&#8221;. Der Markt ist volatil. Er ist begeistert. \ud83d\udcc8\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude08<br>\u00b7 Onkel Klaus-Dieter \u2013 Christoph Waltz (Doppelrolle, weil er darauf bestand). Beschafft Sharklers alte Stasi-Akte. Sie enth\u00e4lt ein Wort: &#8220;UNTERGETAUCHT.&#8221; Er heftet sie ab unter &#8220;Marine Aberrationen \u2013 F\u00fchrer-Klasse&#8221;. Dann aktualisiert er seine Tabelle. \ud83d\udcc1\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude36<br>\u00b7 Onkel Sven \u2013 Christoph Maria Herbst. Versucht, Sharkler in Wutbew\u00e4ltigung zu beraten. &#8220;Der Vertrag von Versailles war unfair. Deine Gef\u00fchle sind g\u00fcltig. Lass uns den Groll gemeinsam verarbeiten.&#8221; Sharkler bei\u00dft in sein Klemmbrett. Sven weint heftiger. \ud83d\ude2d\ud83d\udcda\ud83e\udd88<br>\u00b7 Onkel Jeff \u2013 Jeff Goldblum. Komponiert &#8220;Das Haifisch-Walzer,&#8221; eine atonale Hommage an Haif\u00fchrer. Es enth\u00e4lt Theremin-Bisse und buchst\u00e4blich angebissene Klaviertasten. Further Ehlers nickt. &#8220;Akzeptable marine Musik.&#8221; Jeff weint in einen Haizahn. \ud83c\udfb9\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude2d<br>\u00b7 Die Gro\u00dfe Hy\u00e4ne \u2013 Hanns Zischler. N\u00e4hert sich Sharkler. Beschnuppert. Jault. Sharkler t\u00e4tschelt ihren Kopf. &#8220;Du bist keine Hy\u00e4ne. Du bist ein U-Boot-Hund. Ich habe Verwendung f\u00fcr dich.&#8221; Die Hy\u00e4ne wird bef\u00f6rdert zu &#8220;Reichs-U-Boot-Hund.&#8221; Sie ist verwirrt, aber geehrt. \ud83e\udd9b\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc15<br>\u00b7 Ursula Unter-Hy\u00e4nin \u2013 Martina Gedeck. Reicht ein 6.000-seitiges Dossier ein: &#8220;BETREFF: Die nicht autorisierte Wiederemersion eines (1) Hybrid-Hai-F\u00fchrers &amp; assoziierte marin-faschistische Ordnungswidrigkeiten.&#8221; Sharkler schickt ihr einen einzelnen Haizahn mit einem Zettel: &#8220;Dieser Zahn war in meinem Arsch. Jetzt geh\u00f6rt er dir.&#8221; Sie heftet den Zahn ab. \ud83d\udcd1\ud83e\uddb7\ud83d\ude24<br>\u00b7 Beatrice \u2013 Isabelle Huppert. Dokumentiert alles. Ihre Akte \u00fcber Sharkler ist bereits 1.000 Seiten stark. Sie hat Fotos seiner Hakenkreuz-R\u00fcckenflosse. Sie wartet. \u2744\ufe0f\ud83d\udcc2\ud83d\udc41\ufe0f<br>\u00b7 Die HafenHure \u2013 Barbara Sukowa. Bietet Sharkler Hering an. Er lehnt ab. &#8220;Ich esse nur\u2026 Klassenfeinde.&#8221; Sie zuckt mit den Schultern. &#8220;Mehr f\u00fcr mich.&#8221; \ud83c\udf78\ud83d\udc1f\ud83d\ude0c<br>\u00b7 PRA (Promptny-Porned &amp; Margot) \u2013 David Kross &amp; Karoline Herfurth. Entwerfen f\u00fcr Sharkler eine ma\u00dfgeschneiderte &#8220;F\u00fchrer-Flosse.&#8221; Schwarz. Brutalistisch. Mit einem winzigen, dekonstruierten Hakenkreuz, das rechtlich ambivalent ist. Es gewinnt einen sechsten Designpreis. \ud83d\udda4\ud83e\udd88\ud83c\udfc6<br>\u00b7 Kaiser \u00dcbermensch \u2013 Robert Gwisdek. Entwirft eine &#8220;Hai-F\u00fchrer-Kapit\u00e4nsm\u00fctze.&#8221; Sie hat ein Flossenloch. Sharkler tr\u00e4gt sie st\u00e4ndig. Es ist sein bestes Werk. \ud83d\udda4\ud83e\udde2\ud83d\ude0e<br>\u00b7 Stasi-Romeo (Graf Thomas) \u2013 Robert Gwisdek (Dreifachrolle). Skizziert ein Hochzeitskleid aus Haifischhaut. &#8220;Wenn ich schon gefressen werde, dann mit Stil.&#8221; Niemand versteht ihn. Es ist ihm egal. \ud83d\udc70\u200d\u2640\ufe0f\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude36<br>\u00b7 Frau Torten-Fotzenplotz \u2013 Anja Kling. B\u00e4ckt eine &#8220;Sharkler-Torte.&#8221; In Hai-Form. Gef\u00fcllt mit Marzipan-Groll. Sharkler isst sie nicht. Sie wird zu &#8220;Futter f\u00fcr die Truppen.&#8221; \ud83c\udf82\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude36<br>\u00b7 Rosa Kleb \u2013 Saskia Rosendahl. Bietet Klebstoff an, um Sharklers Flossen sicherer zu befestigen. Er lehnt ab. &#8220;Meine Flossen sitzen fest. Wie mein Hass.&#8221; Rosa ist seltsam ger\u00fchrt. \ud83e\uddea\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude22<br>\u00b7 Blasius von Schemua \u2013 J\u00fcrgen Prochnow. Immer noch am Grund. Sharkler schwimmt vorbei. Sie nehmen keine Notiz voneinander. Manche Begegnungen sind nur zwischen Raubtieren. \ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude36\ud83d\udc5e<br>\u00b7 Muschi Wuschi Mucha \u2013 Marlene Dietrich (KI). Wacht auf. Schnuppert. &#8220;Hai mit Schnurrbart? Ich hatte &#8216;ne Aff\u00e4re mit einem 1943. Er biss. Tun sie alle.&#8221; Kehrt in den Schlaf zur\u00fcck. \ud83d\udca4\ud83d\udc43\ud83e\udd88<br>\u00b7 Onkel Joe Stalin \u2013 John Malkovich. Kehrt zur\u00fcck. Sieht Sharkler. Pafft Pfeife. &#8220;Ein Hai, der denkt, er sei ein F\u00fchrer. In der Sowjetunion hatten wir B\u00e4ren, die dachten, sie w\u00e4ren Kommissare. Wir haben sie erschossen. Problem gel\u00f6st.&#8221; Sharkler knurrt. Stalin ignoriert ihn. \ud83c\uddf7\ud83c\uddfa\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DER PLAN: OPERATION ZWEI SCHIFFE \ud83d\udea2\ud83d\udea2\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude08<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sharkler beruft einen Kriegsrat auf dem Deck der Titanic ein (die er vor\u00fcbergehend beschlagnahmt hat).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Wir werden zwei Schiffe angreifen. Gleichzeitig. Die Titanic\u2026 und die Spanish Ramada.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>&#8220;Die Spanish Ramada? Was ist das?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Ein schwimmendes Bordell. Voll mit Kapitalisten und\u2026 anderen Feinden des Volkes.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SALOME:<br>(Tanzt &#8220;Der Zwei-Schiffe-Tango&#8221; \u2014ein Ballett \u00fcber doppelte Ziele und sicheren Misserfolg.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE FLOTTE VERSAMMELT SICH:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00b7 U-EMIR (Emir) \u2013 zielt wieder auf die Titanic. Weil er nie lernt.<br>\u00b7 U-SHARKLER (Sharkler selbst) \u2013 zielt auf die Spanish Ramada. Weil er\u2026 Bed\u00fcrfnisse hat.<br>\u00b7 U-2 (Die Hy\u00e4ne) \u2013 Versorgungsschiff, tr\u00e4gt Heringe und winzige F\u00e4hnchen.<br>\u00b7 U-7 (Sven) \u2013 Rettungsschiff, weint bereits.<br>\u00b7 U-9 (Jeff) \u2013 Funker, spielt atonalen Jazz.<br>\u00b7 U-12 (Klaus-Dieter) \u2013 heftet alles ab unter &#8220;OPERATION ZWEI SCHIFFE \u2013 ANTIZIPIERTER FEHLSCHLAG.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DER ANGRIFF: TITANIC (WIEDER) \ud83d\udca5\ud83d\udea2\ud83d\ude35<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>(Am Periskop, entschlossen)<br>&#8220;Rohr eins\u2026 LOS!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ein Torpedo schie\u00dft auf die Titanic zu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">AN DECK:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00b7 Salome tanzt. \ud83e\ude70<br>\u00b7 Jeff spielt. \ud83c\udfb9<br>\u00b7 Die Hy\u00e4ne jault. \ud83e\udd9b<br>\u00b7 Pussy Elmore erhebt ihr Glas. \ud83e\udd42<br>\u00b7 Tante J bl\u00e4ttert eine Seite um. \ud83d\udcd6<br>\u00b7 Esau pr\u00fcft Futures. \ud83d\udcc8<br>\u00b7 Klaus-Dieter aktualisiert Tabelle. \ud83d\udcc1<br>\u00b7 Sven weint. \ud83d\ude2d<br>\u00b7 Ursula reicht Beschwerde \u00fcber Torpedo ein. \ud83d\udcd1<br>\u00b7 Beatrice fotografiert. \ud83d\udcf8<br>\u00b7 HafenHure bietet Hering an. \ud83d\udc1f<br>\u00b7 PRA bewundert Plakate. \ud83d\udda4<br>\u00b7 Kaiser modelt Jacke. \ud83e\udde5<br>\u00b7 Thomas skizziert. \u270f\ufe0f<br>\u00b7 Frau Torten-Fotzenplotz glasiert Kuchen. \ud83c\udf82<br>\u00b7 Rosa tr\u00e4gt Klebstoff auf. \ud83e\uddea<br>\u00b7 Stalin r\u00e4t, auf Torpedo zu schie\u00dfen. \ud83c\uddf7\ud83c\uddfa<br>\u00b7 Further Ehlers nickt. \ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EINSCHLAG.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das Schiff erzittert. Champagnergl\u00e4ser fallen um. Der Eisberg grinst h\u00e4misch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>&#8220;Treffer! Sie sinkt! Sie\u2014&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EIN SCHATTEN.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIESELBE M\u00d6WE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sie kreist einmal. Zweimal. Dann, mit der Pr\u00e4zision eines Sturzkampfbombers, pinkelt sie direkt auf Emirs Periskop. Schon wieder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIR:<br>&#8220;NEIN! NICHT SCHON WIEDER!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das U-Boot flutet. Die Besatzung ger\u00e4t in Panik. Emir sinkt. Schon wieder. Von demselben Vogel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DER ANGRIFF: SPANISH RAMADA \ud83d\udc83\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>N\u00e4hert sich der Spanish Ramada. Ein protziger schwimmender Palast aus Neonlichtern, Salsamusik und betrunkenen Touristen. Seine Haitruppen kreisen. Seine Torpedorohre zielen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Feuer!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Aber dann.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EIN ANBLICK.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Auf dem Deck der Spanish Ramada, l\u00fcmmelnd auf einer aufblasbaren rosa Flamingo-Liege, an einem Cocktail mit winzigem Schirmchen nippend:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EINE MEERJUNGFRAU.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Keine gew\u00f6hnliche Meerjungfrau. Eine vollbusige Meerjungfrau. Langes Haar. Schimmernder Schwanz. Strategisch platzierte Perlen. Sie l\u00e4chelt Sharkler an. Zwinkert. Wirft eine Kusshand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>(Starrt. Sabbert. Vergisst.)<br>&#8220;\u2026Was\u2026 sollte ich\u2026 tun?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE MEERJUNGFRAU:<br>(Winkt. Wirft noch eine Kusshand.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLERS TORPEDOS:<br>(Immer noch in den Rohren. Nicht abgefeuert.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE HAITRUPPEN:<br>(Warten. Verwirrt.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;\u2026Sie ist\u2026 wundersch\u00f6n\u2026&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE SPANISH RAMADA:<br>(Segelt weiter, unbeschadet. Salsamusik spielt weiter.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE MEERJUNGFRAU:<br>(Richtet ihre Perlen. L\u00e4chelt. Sie wei\u00df genau, was sie tut.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DAS NACHSPIEL: DOPPELTER FEHLSCHLAG \ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude35\ud83d\udc94<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIRS SOCKEL:<br>Er liegt reglos. Wieder. Die M\u00f6we sitzt auf seiner Brust. Wieder. Sie sieht stolz aus. Sie sieht reuelos aus. Sie pinkelt noch einmal. Nur um sicherzugehen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>Starrt immer noch auf die Meerjungfrau. Seine Haitruppen stupsen ihn an. Er reagiert nicht.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;\u2026Ich muss\u2026 sie finden\u2026 sie verstehen\u2026&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE MEERJUNGFRAU:<br>(Winkt zum Abschied. Taucht ins Wasser. Verschwindet.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;NEIN! KOMM ZUR\u00dcCK!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Er taucht ihr nach. Seine Flotte folgt. Die Spanish Ramada ist vergessen. Die Titanic segelt weiter. Operation Zwei Schiffe ist ein kompletter, utter, dem\u00fctigender Fehlschlag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EPILOG: DES F\u00dcHRERS NEUE BESESSENHEIT \ud83e\udddc\u200d\u2640\ufe0f\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER schwimmt endlos, sucht nach der Meerjungfrau. Seine Haitruppen bringen ihm Fotos von jeder Meerjungfrau im Atlantik. Keine ist sie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Sie war die Eine. Die Einzige. Die\u2026 Meerjungfrau meines Lebens.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FURTHER EHLERS:<br>(Tropft neben ihm)<br>&#8220;Du hast eine Schlacht verloren f\u00fcr eine Frau, die vielleicht nicht existiert.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SHARKLER:<br>&#8220;Ja.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Das ist\u2026 akzeptabel?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Ja. Es ist\u2026 Liebe.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Further Ehlers nickt. Selbst er kann nicht mit Liebe argumentieren. Selbst Haif\u00fchrer-Liebe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">EMIRS SOCKEL:<br>Er liegt still. Die M\u00f6we hat ein Nest auf seiner Brust gebaut. Sie ist jetzt eine Dauerbewohnerin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">SALOME:<br>(Tanzt &#8220;Die Witwe des Vogelmenschen.&#8221; )<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DIE M\u00d6WE:<br>(Pinkelt noch einmal. Zur Betonung.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FURTHER EHLERS (V.O.):<br>&#8220;Manche M\u00e4nner werden von Eisbergen versenkt. Manche von Torpedos. Manche von der Liebe. Emir wurde von einer M\u00f6we versenkt. Sharkler wurde von einer Meerjungfrau versenkt. Beides ist\u2026 akzeptabel.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\">AdolfSharkler #DerHaif\u00fchrer #UEmirVsSeagull2 #MeerjungfrauAblenkung #SpanishRamada\u00dcberlebt #SharklerVerliebt #SalomesDoppelterFehlschlag #FurtherEhlersAkzeptiert #IdiotZeitungMarine #StPauliGehtImmerWiederUnter<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Bernd Pulch (M.A.)<\/strong> is a forensic expert, founder of <strong>Aristotle AI<\/strong>, entrepreneur, political commentator, satirist, and investigative journalist covering <strong>lawfare<\/strong>, <strong>media control<\/strong>, <strong>investment<\/strong>, <strong>real estate<\/strong>, and <strong>geopolitics<\/strong>. His work examines how legal systems are weaponized, how capital flows shape policy, how artificial intelligence concentrates power, and what democracy loses when courts and markets become battlefields. Active in the German and international media landscape, his analyses appear regularly on this platform.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/bernd-pulch\/\"><strong>Full bio \u2192<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/support-the-investigation\/\"><strong>Support the investigation \u2192<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Act I: The F\u00fchrer of the Deep<br \/>\nA new horror emerges from the depths: ADOLF SHARKLER (Christoph Waltz), a hybrid of Hitler and a great white shark, created in a secret Uruguayan laboratory in 1945. His dorsal fin is a swastika. His teeth are razor-sharp. His first words: &#8220;Where is the U-boat that was defeated by a bird? I received a telegram. It was very rude.&#8221; \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc68\u200d\ud83e\uddb3\ud83d\ude08<\/p>\n<p>Act II: The Resurrection<br \/>\nSharkler rescues Emir from his sunken state. Emir&#8217;s gold leaf is now mixed with shark scales. His new mission: revenge on the seagull. Salome dances &#8220;The Dance of the Resurrected Fool.&#8221; Further Ehlers meets Sharkler&#8217;s gaze: &#8220;You are a shark. You are also a fool. This is&#8230; acceptable.&#8221; \ud83d\uddff\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude35<\/p>\n<p>Act III: Operation Two Ships<br \/>\nSharkler&#8217;s plan: attack the Titanic and the Spanish Ramada simultaneously. Emir targets the Titanic again. Sharkler targets the floating bordello. The fleet assembles: U-Emir, U-Sharkler, U-2 (Hyena), U-7 (Sven), U-9 (Jeff), U-12 (Klaus-Dieter filing under &#8220;ANTICIPATED FAILURE&#8221;). \ud83d\udea2\ud83d\udea2\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\ude08<\/p>\n<p>Act IV: Double Disaster<br \/>\nEmir fires. The Titanic shudders. Then\u2014THE SAME SEAGULL. It circles once, twice, and pees on his periscope. Again. Emir sinks. Again. \ud83d\ude35\ud83d\udca7\ud83d\udd4a\ufe0f<\/p>\n<p>Sharkler aims at the Spanish Ramada. Then he sees HER. A voluptuous mermaid on a pink flamingo, sipping a cocktail, blowing kisses. Sharkler forgets everything. His torpedoes remain unfired. The mermaid waves goodbye and dives into the sea. Sharkler dives after her, obsessed, defeated by love. \ud83d\udc83\ud83e\udddc\u200d\u2640\ufe0f\ud83d\ude0d<\/p>\n<p>Epilogue: The F\u00fchrer&#8217;s New Obsession<br \/>\nSharkler swims endlessly, searching for the mermaid. Emir lies on his plinth, the seagull now nesting on his chest. Salome dances &#8220;The Widow of the Bird-Man.&#8221; Further Ehlers watches both: &#8220;Some men are sunk by icebergs. Some by torpedoes. Some by love. Emir was sunk by a seagull. Sharkler was sunk by a mermaid. Both are&#8230; acceptable.&#8221; \ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\ude36\ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n<p>#AdolfSharkler #DerHaif\u00fchrer #UEmirVsSeagull2 #IdiotZeitungMarine<\/p>","protected":false},"author":20155506,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_wpcom_ai_launchpad_first_post":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[177,51904107,13067243,6234,384,11368,7869690],"tags":[787550901],"class_list":["post-934914","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-art","category-bernd-pulch-2","category-clown-show","category-comedy","category-entertainment","category-parody","category-satire-2","tag-adolfsharkler-derhaifuhrer-uemirvsseagull2-meerjungfrauablenkung-spanishramadauberlebt-sharklerverliebt-salomesdoppelterfehlschlag-furtherehlersakzeptiert-idiotzeitungmarine-stpauligehtimmer"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1k3PD-3Vdg","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1002577,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/07\/24\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-sharkler-sharkbrown-moby-dick-the-dickies-the-great-enema-heist-all-characters-actors-return-for-the-nautical-nightmare-%f0%9f%a6%88\/","url_meta":{"origin":934914,"position":0},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 Sharkler, Sharkbrown, Moby Dick &amp; The Dickies: The Great Enema Heist \u2013 All Characters &amp; Actors Return for the Nautical Nightmare \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc0b\ud83d\udd2a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9 | Ehlers Saga Episode 34","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"Juli 24, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Sharks attack St. Pauli! Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, Moby Dick, and Mack the Knife. All characters return. Great Enema Heist. Shit. Forever. \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc0b\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1002632,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/07\/25\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-walt-the-walrus-the-sharkler-front-total-demolition-esau-ends-in-a-belly-%f0%9f%a6%ad%f0%9f%90%8b%f0%9f%a6%88%f0%9f%92%80%f0%9f%93%8a\/","url_meta":{"origin":934914,"position":1},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 Walt the Walrus &amp; The Sharkler Front: Total Demolition \u2013 Esau Ends in a Belly \ud83e\uddad\ud83d\udc0b\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc80\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9 | Ehlers Saga Episode 35","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"Juli 25, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Walt the Walrus \u2013 the 750-kilogram viral sensation, the masturbating Atlantic walrus who traveled 1,360 kilometers from Iceland \u2013 joins the Sharkler Front for total demolition. Evil Esau Ehlers \u2013 the accountant who survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/img.youtube.com\/vi\/P4DOyAwN13U\/0.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1002689,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/07\/27\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-leviathan-the-biblical-sea-monster-arrives-to-support-sharkler-total-nautical-annihilation-%f0%9f%90%8b%f0%9f%91%91%f0%9f%93%8a%f0%9f%92%a9-ehler\/","url_meta":{"origin":934914,"position":2},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 Leviathan: The Biblical Sea Monster Arrives to Support Sharkler \u2013 Total Nautical Annihilation \ud83d\udc0b\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9 | Ehlers Saga Episode 36","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"Juli 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Leviathan \u2013 the biblical sea monster, the symbol of totalitarian power, the sovereign state that consumes all \u2013 descends upon the Muchaverse to support the Sharkler Front. Evil Esau Ehlers \u2013 the accountant who survived everything \u2013 remains in Walt the Walrus's belly. All characters from all 35 previous episodes\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1002750,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/07\/28\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-the-kraken-tentacles-of-chaos-join-the-sharkler-front-all-characters-actors-return-for-the-ultimate-nautical-nightmare-%f0%9f%90%99\/","url_meta":{"origin":934914,"position":3},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 The Kraken: Tentacles of Chaos Join the Sharkler Front \u2013 All Characters &amp; Actors Return for the Ultimate Nautical Nightmare \ud83d\udc19\ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udc0b\ud83e\uddad\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9 | Ehlers Saga Episode 37","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"Juli 28, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"The Kraken \u2013 the legendary Norse sea monster, the giant squid-like creature that drags ships to the depths, the poet of the deep \u2013 descends upon the Muchaverse to support the Sharkler Front. Evil Esau Ehlers \u2013 the accountant who survived everything \u2013 remains in Walt the Walrus's belly. All\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1002932,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/07\/29\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-jormungandr-the-world-serpent-joins-the-sharkler-front-all-characters-actors-return-for-the-ultimate-apocalyptic-reckoning-%f0%9f%90%8d\/","url_meta":{"origin":934914,"position":4},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 J\u00f6rmungandr: The World-Serpent Joins the Sharkler Front \u2013 All Characters &amp; Actors Return for the Ultimate Apocalyptic Reckoning \ud83d\udc0d\ud83c\udf0d\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9 | Ehlers Saga Episode 38","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"Juli 29, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"J\u00f6rmungandr \u2013 the World-Serpent, the child of Loki, the creature that encircles the entire Earth biting its own tail \u2013 descends upon the Muchaverse to join the Sharkler Front. Evil Esau Ehlers \u2013 the accountant who survived everything \u2013 remains in Walt the Walrus's belly. All characters from all 37\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1003300,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/03\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-gevatter-hein-the-godfather-of-st-pauli-all-characters-actors-return-for-the-final-reckoning-%e2%98%a0%ef%b8%8f%e2%9b%93%ef%b8%8f\/","url_meta":{"origin":934914,"position":5},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 Gevatter Hein: The Godfather of St. Pauli \u2013 All Characters &amp; Actors Return for the Final Reckoning \u2620\ufe0f\u26d3\ufe0f\ud83d\udc80\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9 | Ehlers Saga Episode 42","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 3, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Gevatter Hein \u2013 the Godfather of St. Pauli, the personification of death itself wrapped in a three-piece suit and gold chains \u2013 descends upon the Muchaverse. Evil Esau Ehlers \u2013 the accountant who survived everything \u2013 remains in Walt the Walrus's belly. All characters from all 41 previous episodes assemble\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/934914","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/20155506"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=934914"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/934914\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":934923,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/934914\/revisions\/934923"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=934914"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=934914"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=934914"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}