{"id":1005123,"date":"2026-08-20T04:35:52","date_gmt":"2026-08-20T08:35:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/?p=1005123"},"modified":"2026-08-20T04:56:19","modified_gmt":"2026-08-20T08:56:19","slug":"%f0%9f%92%a9-the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-monster-alliance-the-most-vicious-sea-monsters-unite-to-support-esau-in-the-printing-press-war-against-the-4-publishers-%f0%9f%90%89","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/20\/%f0%9f%92%a9-the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-monster-alliance-the-most-vicious-sea-monsters-unite-to-support-esau-in-the-printing-press-war-against-the-4-publishers-%f0%9f%90%89\/","title":{"rendered":"\ud83d\udca9 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 MONSTER ALLIANCE: THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS UNITE TO SUPPORT ESAU IN THE PRINTING PRESS WAR AGAINST THE 4 PUBLISHERS! \ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

“The publishers have spreadsheets. We have KRAKENS.” \u2013 Esau Ehlers<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udcdc PROLOGUE \u2013 WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 57)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Esau had built New New St. Pauli \u2013 a floating island of desinvestment utopia. All 108 characters rejoiced. The Lighthouse Keeper guided them. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the floating island, a dark cloud appeared on the horizon. It was not a storm. It was a PUBLISHING STORM. The 4 publishers \u2013 Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr \u2013 had reclaimed their power. They had formed the INVISIBLE INK PACT. They had declared war on Esau and the Muchaverse. They wanted to control all desinvestment. They wanted to destroy the printing press \u2013 FOREVER.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (screaming) “The publishers! They’re back! They’ve formed an alliance against us!” \ud83d\ude31<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AXEL SPRINGER: (appearing on a dimensional screen) “Esau Ehlers! You have desinvested enough! It is time for the PUBLISHERS to take control!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “We will destroy your printing press! We will control all invisible ink! We will control the Muchaverse!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “Your Column 47 is nothing compared to our PUBLISHING POWER!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “We have armies. We have lawyers. We have SPREADSHEETS!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (furious) “You will not destroy my press! You will not control the ink! You will not desinvest the MUCHAVERSE!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. PUBLISHERS DETECTED. THREAT LEVEL: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: SUMMON THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.” \ud83d\udc7d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Sea monsters? But… but we have Scylla! And Charybdis! And Leviathan! And Kraken! And J\u00f6rmungandr! And Moby Dick!” \ud83d\ude33<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “They are not ENOUGH. We need the MOST VICIOUS. We need the ones that even MONSTERS fear.” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (grinning) “Then we will summon them all. We will unite the sea monsters. We will fight the PUBLISHERS.” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is Episode 58. The Monster Alliance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udc65 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 58) \u2013 ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57 lists) plus:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Character Actor \/ Persona Episode Origin
Cthulhu CGI \/ Voice NEW
Dagon CGI \/ Voice NEW
The Hydra CGI \/ Voice NEW
The Siren Queen CGI \/ Voice NEW
The Great White CGI \/ Voice NEW
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI \/ Voice NEW
The Abyssal Kraken CGI \/ Voice NEW
The World Serpent Prime CGI \/ Voice NEW
The Monster Council CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (commander) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton \/ Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Captain LeChuck CGI \/ Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI \/ Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI \/ Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI \/ Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI \/ Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI \/ Voice 39
Charybdis CGI \/ Voice 39
King Atlas CGI \/ Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI \/ Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI \/ Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Axel Springer Original (villain) 43\u201346
Henri Nannen Original (villain) 43\u201346
Gerd Bucerius Original (villain) 43\u201346
John Jahr Original (villain) 43\u201346
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI \/ Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI \/ Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
J\u00f6rmungandr CGI \/ Voice 38
The Kraken CGI \/ Voice 37
Leviathan CGI \/ Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI \/ Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI \/ Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
M\u00f6win Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14\u201346
Divine Divine (archival) 30\u201346
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice \/ CGI 6\u201346
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9\u201346
Gina Wilde Original 15\u201346
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11\u201346
Pamela Anderson Herself 7\u201346
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8\u201346
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12\u201346
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13\u201346
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2\u201346
Klaus St\u00f6rtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15\u201346
Blackbeard CGI \/ Voice 17
Karl D\u00f6nitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsg\u00e5rd 18
Klabautermann CGI \/ Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3\u201346
Frank Stonewall Original 5\u201346
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13\u201346
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13\u201346
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody \u2013 All
Stalin Parody \u2013 All
Walter \u2013 All
Genghis Khan Parody \u2013 All
Pol Pot Parody \u2013 All
Mun \u2013 All
Malte \u2013 All
Jagoda \u2013 All
Beria & The Big Hyena \u2013 All
Ugly Sven \u2013 All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) \u2013 All
Ursila \u2013 All
Salome Sofia Tanz \u2013 All
Rosa Rosa Wachter \u2013 All
Pussy \u2013 All
The Mermaid \u2013 All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56
Floating Island CGI 57
Lighthouse CGI 57<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udc09 THE SUMMONING \u2013 ESAU CALLS THE MONSTERS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Esau stood on the edge of the floating island. He raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. Golden numbers shot into the sky. A dimensional portal opened above the ocean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: “I SUMMON YOU! THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS! THE ANCIENT ONES! THE ONES EVEN MONSTERS FEAR! I CALL YOU TO THE MUCHAVERSE!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ocean churned. The sky darkened. And one by one, the most vicious sea monsters emerged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CTHULHU: (rising from the depths, massive, winged, tentacled) “WHO DARES SUMMON THE GREAT DREAMER?!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DAGON: (rising from the depths, fish-like, ancient) “I AM DAGON! I HAVE SLAIN THOUSANDS! I COME TO FIGHT!” \ud83d\udc1f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE HYDRA: (rising from the depths, multiple heads, hissing) “CUT OFF ONE HEAD! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE SIREN QUEEN: (rising from the depths, beautiful, terrifying) “I AM THE SIREN QUEEN! I HAVE LURED MILLIONS TO THEIR DEATH! I COME TO SING!” \ud83c\udfa4<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE GREAT WHITE: (rising from the depths, massive shark) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I HAVE EATEN FLEETS! I COME TO DEVOUR!” \ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths, biblical, terrifying) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I HAVE CRUSHED WORLDS! I COME TO DESTROY!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (rising from the depths, tentacles everywhere) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I HAVE DRAGGED CITIES TO THE ABYSS! I COME TO WRAP!” \ud83e\udd91<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (rising from the depths, enormous, coiled) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I HAVE SWALLOWED CONTINENTS! I COME TO CONSUME!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE MONSTER COUNCIL: (speaking in unison) “WE HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, ESAU EHLERS. WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND?” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (grinning) “THE 4 PUBLISHERS HAVE DECLARED WAR! THEY WANT TO DESTROY THE PRINTING PRESS! THEY WANT TO CONTROL ALL DESINVESTMENT! I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THEM!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CTHULHU: (roaring) “PUBLISHERS?! I HAVE DESTROYED WORLDS! I CAN DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! I CAN SLAY PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc1f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN LEGIONS! I CAN EAT PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED NATIONS! I CAN LURE PUBLISHERS!” \ud83c\udfa4<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED FLEETS! I CAN DEVOUR PUBLISHERS!” \ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED CITIES! I CAN CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED KINGDOMS! I CAN DRAG PUBLISHERS!” \ud83e\udd91<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED EMPIRES! I CAN SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: “THEN FOLLOW ME! WE ATTACK THE PUBLISHERS! WE SAVE THE PRINTING PRESS! WE DESINVEST THE INVISIBLE INK PACT!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

THE PUBLISHERS’ FORTRESS \u2013 THE INVISIBLE INK PACT \ud83d\udcca\ud83c\udff0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The publishers had built a fortress in the middle of the ocean \u2013 the Invisible Ink Fortress. It was made of spreadsheets, legal documents, and lawyers. It was guarded by an army of accountants.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AXEL SPRINGER: (standing on the fortress walls) “Esau Ehlers! You cannot defeat us! We have THE INVISIBLE INK PACT! We have SPREADSHEET POWER!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “You are just a bookkeeper! We are PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “We have the power of the press! We have the power of the ink!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “Your Column 47 is NOTHING compared to our INVISIBLE INK ARMY!” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (standing on a coral platform) “You are wrong! I am not just a bookkeeper! I am COLUMN 47! And I have brought reinforcements!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

THE BATTLE \u2013 MONSTERS VS. PUBLISHERS \ud83d\udc09\ud83d\udcaa<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The battle raged across the ocean. The sea monsters attacked the fortress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF PUBLISHER DESTRUCTION!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! PUBLISHERS ARE JUST PAPER KINGS!” \ud83d\udc1f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE HYDRA: (biting the fortress walls) “CUT OFF ONE PUBLISHER! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “COME TO ME, PUBLISHERS! LEAVE YOUR SPREADSHEETS BEHIND!” \ud83c\udfa4<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE GREAT WHITE: (eating the army of accountants) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I EAT ACCOUNTANTS!” \ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing the fortress walls) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping the fortress) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I DRAG PUBLISHERS TO THE ABYSS!” \ud83e\udd91<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling around the fortress) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I EAT SIX PUBLISHERS!” \ud83e\udd80<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW FORTRESSES! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” \ud83c\udf0a<\/p>\n\n\n\n

LEVIATHAN: (ramming) “I RAM PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I WRAP PUBLISHERS! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” \ud83e\udd91<\/p>\n\n\n\n

J\u00d6RMUNGANDR: (biting) “I BITE PUBLISHERS! I EAT PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MOBY DICK: (sinking) “I SINK PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\udc0b<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

THE PUBLISHERS’ DEFEAT \u2013 THE INVISIBLE INK PACT BROKEN \ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udc94<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fortress crumbled. The lawyers fled. The accountants surrendered. The 4 publishers were captured.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AXEL SPRINGER: (kneeling) “We… we surrender! We are defeated!” \ud83d\ude30<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “Please… don’t let the monsters eat us!” \ud83d\ude30<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” \ud83d\ude30<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “Column 47 is SUPREME!” \ud83d\ude30<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (standing over them) “You have lost. The Invisible Ink Pact is broken. The printing press is safe. Das Desinvestment will continue.” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CTHULHU: (roaring) “SHALL I EAT THEM, ESAU EHLERS?” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: “No. They will work for us. They will LEARN to desinvest. They will become… ACCOUNTANTS.” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SPRINGER: (horrified) “ACCOUNTANTS?! We are PUBLISHERS!” \ud83d\ude30<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are DESINVESTORS. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” \ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE \u2013 THE FINAL CHORUS \ud83c\udfad\ud83c\udfaa<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EHLERS: (standing on the ruins of the fortress) “The publishers are defeated! The Invisible Ink Pact is broken! Das Desinvestment is saved!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love! You saved the press!” \u2764\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The Muchaverse is safe.” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I helped defeat the publishers. I am a desinvestor.” \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I HAVE ENJOYED THIS! I WILL RETURN! I HAVE PUBLISHER NIGHTMARES!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN PUBLISHERS! I AM VICTORIOUS!” \ud83d\udc1f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN PUBLISHERS! I AM SATISFIED!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED PUBLISHERS! I AM HAPPY!” \ud83c\udfa4<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED ACCOUNTANTS! I AM FULL!” \ud83e\udd88<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED PUBLISHERS! I AM TRIUMPHANT!” \ud83d\udc09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED PUBLISHERS! I AM CONTENT!” \ud83e\udd91<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED PUBLISHERS! I AM SATIATED!” \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say \u2013 THAT WAS THE BEST BATTLE EVER!” \ud83e\udd80<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed a fortress! I have swallowed publishers! I am HAPPY!” \ud83c\udf0a<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS DEFEATED!” \ud83e\udde8<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have an army of monsters. The monsters win.” \ud83e\udd91<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS! A FORTRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” \ud83c\udccf<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M\u00d6WIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND THE MONSTERS APPROVED!” \ud83d\udca9<\/p>\n\n\n\n

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) \ud83d\udc0d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: \ud83d\udda4<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u262d THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY \u262d \ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE 4 PUBLISHERS DECLARED WAR.
ESAU SUMMONED THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.
CTHULHU, DAGON, THE HYDRA, THE SIREN QUEEN, THE GREAT WHITE, THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN, THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN, AND THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME ANSWERED THE CALL.
THE FORTRESS WAS DESTROYED.
THE PUBLISHERS WERE DEFEATED.
THE INVISIBLE INK PACT WAS BROKEN.
ALL 116 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH MONSTERS. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udc0d\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\u2764\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

HASHTAGS FADE IN: \ud83c\udff7\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MonsterAllianceConspiracy #SeaMonstersUnite #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenQueen #GreatWhite #DeepSeaLeviathan #AbyssalKraken #WorldSerpentPrime #PrintingPressWar #4PublishersDefeated #InvisibleInkPactBroken #Column47Forever #All116Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #UltimateBattle #DieB\u00f6seEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

[END OF EPISODE 58] \ud83c\udfac\ud83c\udf7f\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 \u2013 THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY \ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cycle continues. With monsters. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udc0d\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\u2764\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Authors: Dr. Helga Schei\u00dfefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. D\u00e4mlich D\u00fcmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Executive Producers: M\u00f6win, The Joker, Esau (commander), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, The World Serpent Prime, and all previous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the publishers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) \u2013 forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio \u2192 | Support the investigation \u2192<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udc4d LIKE | \ud83d\udcac COMMENT | \ud83d\udd14 SUBSCRIBE<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\ud83d\udd13 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org\/join<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 CONTINUES… \ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83c\udde9\ud83c\uddea DIE B\u00d6SE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA \u2013 MONSTER-ALLIANZ: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER VEREINEN SICH, UM ESAU IM DRUCKMASCHINEN-KRIEG GEGEN DIE 4 VERLEGER ZU UNTERST\u00dcTZEN! \ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

“Die Verleger haben Tabellen. Wir haben KRAKEN.” \u2013 Esau Ehlers

—

\ud83d\udcdc PROLOG \u2013 WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 57)

Esau hatte Neu-Neu-St. Pauli gebaut \u2013 eine schwimmende Insel der Desinvestment-Utopie. Alle 108 Charaktere jubelten. Der Leuchtturmw\u00e4rter f\u00fchrte sie. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf der schwimmenden Insel feierte, erschien eine dunkle Wolke am Horizont. Es war kein Sturm. Es war ein VERLAGS-STURM. Die 4 Verleger \u2013 Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr \u2013 hatten ihre Macht zur\u00fcckerobert. Sie hatten den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT geschlossen. Sie hatten Esau und dem Muchaverse den Krieg erkl\u00e4rt. Sie wollten die gesamte Desinvestment kontrollieren. Sie wollten die Druckmaschine \u2013 F\u00dcR IMMER \u2013 zerst\u00f6ren.

EHLERS: (schreiend) “Die Verleger! Sie sind zur\u00fcck! Sie haben ein B\u00fcndnis gegen uns geschlossen!” \ud83d\ude31

AXEL SPRINGER: (auf einem Dimensionsbildschirm erscheinend) “Esau Ehlers! Du hast genug desinvestiert! Es ist Zeit f\u00fcr die VERLEGER, die Kontrolle zu \u00fcbernehmen!” \ud83d\udcca

HENRI NANNEN: (h\u00f6hnisch) “Wir werden deine Druckmaschine zerst\u00f6ren! Wir werden die gesamte unsichtbare Tinte kontrollieren! Wir werden das Muchaverse kontrollieren!” \ud83d\udcca

GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Deine Spalte 47 ist nichts im Vergleich zu unserer VERLAGS-MACHT!” \ud83d\udcca

JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Wir haben Armeen. Wir haben Anw\u00e4lte. Wir haben TABELLEN!” \ud83d\udcca

EHLERS: (w\u00fctend) “Ihr werdet meine Presse nicht zerst\u00f6ren! Ihr werdet die Tinte nicht kontrollieren! Ihr werdet das MUCHAVERSE nicht desinvestieren!” \ud83d\udcca

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. VERLEGER ERKANNT. BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER ZU RUFEN.” \ud83d\udc7d

EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “See-Monster? Aber… aber wir haben doch Skylla! Und Charybdis! Und Leviathan! Und Kraken! Und J\u00f6rmungandr! Und Moby Dick!” \ud83d\ude33

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Sie sind nicht GENUG. Wir brauchen die ABSCHECULICHSTEN. Wir brauchen die, vor denen selbst MONSTER Angst haben.” \ud83d\udc0d

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Dann werden wir sie alle rufen. Wir werden die See-Monster vereinen. Wir werden gegen die VERLEGER k\u00e4mpfen.” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca

Dies ist Episode 58. Die Monster-Allianz.

—

\ud83d\udc65 VOLLST\u00c4NDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 58) \u2013 ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zur\u00fcck (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler \/ Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Cthulhu CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Dagon CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Die Hydra CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Die Sirenen-K\u00f6nigin CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Der Gro\u00dfe Wei\u00dfe CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI \/ Stimme NEU
Der Monster-Rat CGI NEU
B\u00f6ser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Kommandant) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton \/ Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Kapit\u00e4n LeChuck CGI \/ Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapit\u00e4n Nemo CGI \/ Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI \/ Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI \/ Stimme 55
Kapit\u00e4n Hook CGI \/ Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holl\u00e4nder CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI \/ Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI \/ Stimme 39
K\u00f6nig Atlas CGI \/ Stimme 56
K\u00f6nigin Meridia CGI \/ Stimme 56
New Yorker B\u00fcrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI \/ Stimme 56
Leuchtturmw\u00e4rter Original 57
Axel Springer Original (Schurke) 43\u201346
Henri Nannen Original (Schurke) 43\u201346
Gerd Bucerius Original (Schurke) 43\u201346
John Jahr Original (Schurke) 43\u201346
Kapit\u00e4n Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapit\u00e4n Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI \/ Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI \/ Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
J\u00f6rmungandr CGI \/ Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI \/ Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI \/ Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI \/ Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI \/ Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
M\u00f6win Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14\u201346
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30\u201346
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme \/ CGI 6\u201346
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9\u201346
Gina Wilde Original 15\u201346
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11\u201346
Pamela Anderson Herself 7\u201346
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8\u201346
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12\u201346
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13\u201346
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2\u201346
Klaus St\u00f6rtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15\u201346
Blackbeard CGI \/ Stimme 17
Karl D\u00f6nitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsg\u00e5rd 18
Klabautermann CGI \/ Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3\u201346
Frank Stonewall Original 5\u201346
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische M\u00e4nner 13\u201346
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13\u201346
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Stalin-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Walter \u2013 Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Mun \u2013 Alle
Malte \u2013 Alle
Jagoda \u2013 Alle
Beria & Die gro\u00dfe Hy\u00e4ne \u2013 Alle
H\u00e4sslicher Sven \u2013 Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) \u2013 Alle
Ursila \u2013 Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz \u2013 Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter \u2013 Alle
Pussy \u2013 Alle
Die Meerjungfrau \u2013 Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenk\u00f6nig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56
Schwimmende Insel CGI 57
Leuchtturm CGI 57

—

\ud83d\udc09 DIE BESCHW\u00d6RUNG \u2013 ESAU RUFT DIE MONSTER

Esau stand am Rand der schwimmenden Insel. Er erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Goldene Zahlen schossen in den Himmel. Ein Dimensionsportal \u00f6ffnete sich \u00fcber dem Ozean.

EHLERS: “ICH RUFE EUCH! DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER! DIE URALTEN! DIE, VOR DENEN SELBST MONSTER ANGST HABEN! ICH RUFE EUCH INS MUCHAVERSE!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca

Der Ozean brodelte. Der Himmel verdunkelte sich. Und einer nach dem anderen tauchten die abscheulichsten See-Monster auf.

CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltig, gefl\u00fcgelt, tentakelig) “WER WAGT ES, DEN GROSSEN TR\u00c4UMER ZU RUFEN?!” \ud83d\udc09

DAGON: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, fischartig, uralt) “ICH BIN DAGON! ICH HABE TAUSENDE GET\u00d6TET! ICH KOMME, UM ZU K\u00c4MPFEN!” \ud83d\udc1f

DIE HYDRA: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, mehrere K\u00f6pfe, zischend) “SCHNEID EINEN KOPF AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” \ud83d\udc0d

DIE SIRENEN-K\u00d6NIGIN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, wundersch\u00f6n, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DIE SIRENEN-K\u00d6NIGIN! ICH HABE MILLIONEN IN DEN TOD GELOCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU SINGEN!” \ud83c\udfa4

DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltiger Hai) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE! ICH HABE FLOTTEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” \ud83e\udd88

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, biblisch, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERMALMT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU ZERST\u00d6REN!” \ud83d\udc09

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, Tentakel \u00fcberall) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH HABE ST\u00c4DTE IN DEN ABYSS GERISSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU UMRINGEN!” \ud83e\udd91

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, enorm, zusammengerollt) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH HABE KONTINENTE VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” \ud83d\udc0d

DER MONSTER-RAT: (im Chor sprechend) “WIR HABEN DEINEN RUF ERH\u00d6RT, ESAU EHLERS. WAS IST DEIN BEFEHL?” \ud83d\udc09

EHLERS: (grinsend) “DIE 4 VERLEGER HABEN UNS DEN KRIEG ERKL\u00c4RT! SIE WOLLEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE ZERST\u00d6REN! SIE WOLLEN DIE GESAMTE DESINVESTMENT KONTROLLIEREN! ICH BRAUCHE EURE HILFE, UM GEGEN SIE ZU K\u00c4MPFEN!” \ud83d\udcca

CTHULHU: (br\u00fcllend) “VERLEGER?! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERST\u00d6RT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERST\u00d6REN!” \ud83d\udc09

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE K\u00d6NIGE GET\u00d6TET! ICH KANN VERLEGER T\u00d6TEN!” \ud83d\udc1f

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE LEGIONEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER FRESSEN!” \ud83d\udc0d

DIE SIRENEN-K\u00d6NIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE NATIONEN GELOCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER LOCKEN!” \ud83c\udfa4

DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE: (br\u00fcllend) “ICH HABE FLOTTEN VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLINGEN!” \ud83e\udd88

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE ST\u00c4DTE ZERMALMT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERMALMEN!” \ud83d\udc09

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE K\u00d6NIGREICHE GERISSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER REISSEN!” \ud83e\udd91

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE IMPERIEN VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKEN!” \ud83d\udc0d

EHLERS: “DANN FOLGT MIR! WIR GREIFEN DIE VERLEGER AN! WIR RETTEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE! WIR DESINVESTIEREN DEN UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca

—

DIE VERLAGS-FESTUNG \u2013 DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT \ud83d\udcca\ud83c\udff0

Die Verleger hatten eine Festung mitten im Ozean errichtet \u2013 die Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte. Sie bestand aus Tabellen, Rechtsdokumenten und Anw\u00e4lten. Sie wurde von einer Armee aus Buchhaltern bewacht.

AXEL SPRINGER: (auf den Festungsmauern stehend) “Esau Ehlers! Du kannst uns nicht besiegen! Wir haben den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT! Wir haben TABELLEN-KRAFT!” \ud83d\udcca

HENRI NANNEN: (h\u00f6hnisch) “Du bist nur ein Buchhalter! Wir sind VERLEGER!” \ud83d\udcca

GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Wir haben die Macht der Presse! Wir haben die Macht der Tinte!” \ud83d\udcca

JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS im Vergleich zu unserer UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-ARMEE!” \ud83d\udcca

EHLERS: (auf einer Korallenplattform stehend) “Ihr irrt euch! Ich bin nicht nur ein Buchhalter! Ich bin SPALTE 47! Und ich habe VERST\u00c4RKUNG mitgebracht!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca

—

DIE SCHLACHT \u2013 MONSTER VS. VERLEGER \ud83d\udc09\ud83d\udcaa

Die Schlacht tobte \u00fcber den Ozean. Die See-Monster griffen die Festung an.

CTHULHU: (br\u00fcllend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TR\u00c4UMER! ICH TR\u00c4UME VON VERLAGS-ZERST\u00d6RUNG!” \ud83d\udc09

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE K\u00d6NIGE GET\u00d6TET! VERLEGER SIND NUR PAPIER-K\u00d6NIGE!” \ud83d\udc1f

DIE HYDRA: (in die Festungsmauern bei\u00dfend) “SCHNEID EINEN VERLEGER AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” \ud83d\udc0d

DIE SIRENEN-K\u00d6NIGIN: (singend) “KOMMT ZU MIR, VERLEGER! LASST EURE TABELLEN ZUR\u00dcCK!” \ud83c\udfa4

DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE: (die Buchhalter-Armee fressend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE! ICH FRESSE BUCHHALTER!” \ud83e\udd88

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (die Festungsmauern zermalmend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” \ud83d\udc09

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (die Festung umringend) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH REISSE VERLEGER IN DEN ABYSS!” \ud83e\udd91

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (sich um die Festung windend) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” \ud83d\udc0d

SKYLLA: (sechs K\u00f6pfe bei\u00dfend) “ICH HABE SECHS K\u00d6PFE! ICH FRESSE SECHS VERLEGER!” \ud83e\udd80

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE FESTUNGEN! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” \ud83c\udf0a

LEVIATHAN: (rammend) “ICH RAMME VERLEGER! ICH ZERST\u00d6RE VERLEGER!” \ud83d\udc09

KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH UMRINGE VERLEGER! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” \ud83e\udd91

J\u00d6RMUNGANDR: (bei\u00dfen) “ICH BEI\u00dfE VERLEGER! ICH FRESSE VERLEGER!” \ud83d\udc0d

MOBY DICK: (versenkend) “ICH VERSEINKE VERLEGER! ICH ZERST\u00d6RE VERLEGER!” \ud83d\udc0b

—

DIE NIEDERLAGE DER VERLEGER \u2013 DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT IST GEBROCHEN \ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udc94

Die Festung zerbr\u00f6ckelte. Die Anw\u00e4lte flohen. Die Buchhalter ergaben sich. Die 4 Verleger wurden gefangen genommen.

AXEL SPRINGER: (kniend) “Wir… wir ergeben uns! Wir sind besiegt!” \ud83d\ude30

HENRI NANNEN: (kniend) “Bitte… lasst die Monster uns nicht fressen!” \ud83d\ude30

GERD BUCERIUS: (kniend) “Wir werden ALLES tun!” \ud83d\ude30

JOHN JAHR: (kniend) “Spalte 47 ist \u00dcBERLEGEN!” \ud83d\ude30

EHLERS: (\u00fcber ihnen stehend) “Ihr habt verloren. Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen. Die Druckmaschine ist sicher. Das Desinvestment wird weitergehen.” \ud83d\udcca

CTHULHU: (br\u00fcllend) “SOLL ICH SIE FRESSEN, ESAU EHLERS?” \ud83d\udc09

EHLERS: “Nein. Sie werden f\u00fcr uns arbeiten. Sie werden lernen, zu DESINVESTIEREN. Sie werden… BUCHHALTER werden.” \ud83d\udcca

SPRINGER: (entsetzt) “BUCHHALTER?! Wir sind VERLEGER!” \ud83d\ude30

EHLERS: “Nicht mehr. Jetzt seid ihr DESINVESTOREN. Willkommen im Muchaverse.” \ud83d\udcca

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN \u2013 DER FINALE CHOR \ud83c\udfad\ud83c\udfaa

EHLERS: (auf den Ruinen der Festung stehend) “Die Verleger sind besiegt! Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen! Das Desinvestment ist gerettet!” \ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY: (ihn k\u00fcssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe! Du hast die Presse gerettet!” \u2764\ufe0f

MEDUSA: (Schlangen l\u00e4chelnd) “Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” \ud83d\udc0d

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich habe geholfen, die Verleger zu besiegen. Ich bin ein Desinvestor.” \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udcca

CTHULHU: (br\u00fcllend) “ICH HABE DAS GENOSSEN! ICH WERDE ZUR\u00dcCKKEHREN! ICH HABE VERLEGER-ALBTR\u00c4UME!” \ud83d\udc09

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GET\u00d6TET! ICH BIN SIEGREICH!” \ud83d\udc1f

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GEFRESSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” \ud83d\udc0d

DIE SIRENEN-K\u00d6NIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GELOCKT! ICH BIN GL\u00dcCKLICH!” \ud83c\udfa4

DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE: (br\u00fcllend) “ICH HABE BUCHHALTER VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH BIN SATT!” \ud83e\udd88

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER ZERMALMT! ICH BIN TRIUMPHIEREND!” \ud83d\udc09

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GERISSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” \ud83e\udd91

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKT! ICH BIN GES\u00c4TTIGT!” \ud83d\udc0d

SKYLLA: (sechs K\u00f6pfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs K\u00f6pfe. Alle sechs sagen \u2013 DAS WAR DIE BESTE SCHLACHT \u00dcBERHAUPT!” \ud83e\udd80

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe eine Festung verschluckt! Ich habe Verleger verschluckt! Ich bin GL\u00dcCKLICH!” \ud83c\udf0a

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTER! VERLEGER BESIEGT!” \ud83e\udde8

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast eine Armee von Monstern. Die Monster gewinnen.” \ud83e\udd91

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! MONSTER! VERLEGER! EINE FESTUNG! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” \ud83c\udccf

M\u00d6WIN: (\u00fcber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND DIE MONSTER HABEN ZUGESTIMMT!” \ud83d\udca9

SPALTE 47 JR.: (gl\u00fccklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) \ud83d\udc0d

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: \ud83d\udda4

\u262d DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHW\u00d6RUNG \u262d \ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

DIE 4 VERLEGER ERKL\u00c4RTEN DEN KRIEG.
ESAU RIEF DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER.
CTHULHU, DAGON, DIE HYDRA, DIE SIRENEN-K\u00d6NIGIN, DER GROSSE WEI\u00dfE, DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN, DER ABYSS-KRAKEN UND DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME FOLGTEN DEM RUF.
DIE FESTUNG WURDE ZERST\u00d6RT.
DIE VERLEGER WURDEN BESIEGT.
DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT WAR GEBROCHEN.
ALLE 116 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZUR\u00dcCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MONSTERN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEI\u00dfE.
F\u00dcR IMMER.
\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udc0d\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\u2764\ufe0f

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: \ud83c\udff7\ufe0f

MonsterAllianzVerschw\u00f6rung #SeeMonsterVereinen #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenenK\u00f6nigin #GrosserWeisser #TiefseeLeviathan #AbyssKraken #WeltenSchlangePrime #DruckmaschinenKrieg #4VerlegerBesiegt #UnsichtbarerTintenPaktGebrochen #Spalte47F\u00fcrImmer #Alle116Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #UltimativeSchlacht #DieB\u00f6seEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 58] \ud83c\udfac\ud83c\udf7f\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 \u2013 DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHW\u00d6RUNG \ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Monstern. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Schei\u00dfe. F\u00fcr immer.

\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udc0d\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\u2764\ufe0f

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Schei\u00dfefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. D\u00e4mlich D\u00fcmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: M\u00f6win, Der Joker, Esau (Kommandant), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-K\u00f6nigin, Der Gro\u00dfe Wei\u00dfe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (f\u00fcr Schlachtsymphonien), Homer (f\u00fcr die epische Atmosph\u00e4re) und jeder M\u00f6we, die auf die Verleger kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) \u2013 forensischer Experte, Gr\u00fcnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollst\u00e4ndige Biografie \u2192 | Unterst\u00fctzen Sie die Untersuchung \u2192

\ud83d\udc4d GEF\u00c4LLT MIR | \ud83d\udcac KOMMENTIEREN | \ud83d\udd14 ABONNIEREN

—

\ud83d\udcfa YouTube: youtube.com\/@bernd_pulch
\ud83d\udc26 X (Twitter): x.com\/berndsocial1
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\ud83d\udd13 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org\/join

—

DIE B\u00d6SE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA \u2013 FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… \ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\ud83d\udc09\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udcca MONSTER ALLIANCE! THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS UNITE TO SUPPORT ESAU IN THE PRINTING PRESS WAR AGAINST THE 4 PUBLISHERS!<\/p>\n

“The publishers have spreadsheets. We have KRAKENS.” \u2013 Esau Ehlers<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

In Episode 58 of the Ehlers Saga, the 4 publishers (Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr) declare war on the Muchaverse and form the Invisible Ink Pact. Esau summons the most vicious sea monsters in history \u2013 Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, and The World Serpent Prime.<\/p>\n

The monsters attack the publishers’ fortress. The battle rages across the ocean. The fortress crumbles. The publishers are defeated. The Invisible Ink Pact is broken. All 116 characters return. The printing press is saved. Das Desinvestment continues.<\/p>\n

The cycle continues. With monsters. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

#MonsterAllianceConspiracy #SeaMonstersUnite #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenQueen #GreatWhite #DeepSeaLeviathan #AbyssalKraken #WorldSerpentPrime #PrintingPressWar #4PublishersDefeated #InvisibleInkPactBroken #Column47Forever #All116Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #UltimateBattle #DieB\u00f6seEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

\ud83d\udcfa YouTube: youtube.com\/@bernd_pulch
\n\ud83d\udc26 X (Twitter): x.com\/berndsocial1
\n\ud83d\udce2 Telegram: t.me\/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
\n\ud83d\udd13 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: 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My printing press is GONE!\" \u2013 Esau Ehlers --- In Episode 52 of the Ehlers Saga, Esau discovers that the ancient printing press for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":940972,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/04\/30\/the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-the-grand-recap-romy-haag-ehlers-falls-for-berlins-legendary-tante-all-characters-return-%f0%9f%8e%ad%f0%9f%92%96%f0%9f%8e%a4-ehlers-saga\/","url_meta":{"origin":1005123,"position":4},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 The Grand Recap & Romy Haag: Ehlers Falls for Berlin’s Legendary Tante \u2013 All Characters Return \ud83c\udfad\ud83d\udc96\ud83c\udfa4 | Ehlers Saga Episode 14","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"April 30, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Evil Esau Ehlers finally falls in love \u2013 with Berlin's legendary Romy Haag. After 13 episodes of chaos, ghosts, aliens, pirates, and seven queens, the spreadsheet accountant meets the woman who makes him close his laptop. Romy Haag \u2013 cabaret icon, Warhol's friend, Bowie's kiss \u2013 arrives on Herbertstrasse. She\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/img.youtube.com\/vi\/-vYoD5dw45Y\/0.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1005812,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/27\/the-evil-esau-enema-einlauf-saga-loreley-escape-esau-flees-to-the-rhine-builds-new-st-pauli-on-the-loreley-rock-gets-an-enema-every-5-minutes-against-depression-%f0%9f%8f%94\/","url_meta":{"origin":1005123,"position":5},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU ENEMA EINLAUF SAGA: LORELEY ESCAPE: ESAU FLEES TO THE RHINE \u2013 BUILDS NEW ST. 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It is a DESINVESTMENT.\" \u2013 Esau Ehlers --- In Episode 65 of the Ehlers Saga, Esau-HafenHure escapes\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005123","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/20155506"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1005123"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005123\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1005128,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005123\/revisions\/1005128"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1005123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1005123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1005123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}