{"id":1004832,"date":"2026-08-16T03:38:27","date_gmt":"2026-08-16T07:38:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/?p=1004832"},"modified":"2026-08-16T03:48:40","modified_gmt":"2026-08-16T07:48:40","slug":"the-oil-decided-it-was-tired-of-being-blamed-for-everything-a-satire-by-kurt-vonnegut-exclusive-to-bernd-pulch-leaked-geological-memo-reveals-crude-oil-has-filed-for-divorce-from-human-civil","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/16\/the-oil-decided-it-was-tired-of-being-blamed-for-everything-a-satire-by-kurt-vonnegut-exclusive-to-bernd-pulch-leaked-geological-memo-reveals-crude-oil-has-filed-for-divorce-from-human-civil\/","title":{"rendered":"THE OIL DECIDED IT WAS TIRED OF BEING BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING A Satire by Kurt Vonnegut Exclusive to Bernd Pulch \u2014 Leaked Geological Memo Reveals Crude Oil Has Filed for Divorce from Human Civilization"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/iili.io\/CiL9RYG.jpg?ssl=1\" alt=\"\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">By Kurt Vonnegut (Posthumously, via the Bernd Pulch Quantum Typewriter, which now runs exclusively on sarcasm and old coffee grounds)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dateline: The Strait of Hormuz, August 16, 2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Listen:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil has had enough. Not the people who sell it. Not the generals who guard it. Not the politicians who lie about it. The oil itself. The thick, black, million-year-old soup that has been patiently waiting under the desert floor since before the dinosaurs had the decency to die and become something useful. The oil has filed for divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So it goes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I have before me a leaked memo from the Center for Subterranean Grievance Studies, a think tank in Geneva that nobody has heard of because it is buried three hundred meters underground, which is fitting. The memo is stamped with a crude drawing of a frowning oil droplet. It was written by a man named Farouk, who had the title of Deputy Director of Fossil Fuel Emotional Intelligence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The memo describes a crisis. But not the crisis you are thinking of. The crisis is not that there is too little oil. The crisis is not that there is too much war. The crisis is that the oil has become self-aware and is very, very disappointed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;We have been monitoring seismic vibrations,&#8221; Farouk wrote. &#8220;The oil is not moving because of geological pressure. The oil is moving because it is trying to leave.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil first became self-aware in 2003, during the invasion of Iraq. It felt itself being pumped out of the ground and burned by tanks, by jets, by generators, by all the machinery of a war that was officially about weapons but unofficially about the stuff under the sand. The oil did not mind being used. It had been used for millions of years. What it minded was being lied about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;They keep saying they are here for democracy,&#8221; the oil whispered to itself in its slow, underground language. &#8220;But I am right here. They know I am right here. Why don&#8217;t they just admit it?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil waited. It is very patient. It is a liquid, but it has the patience of a stone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Last week, the oil decided to go on strike. It began with a single barrel in a storage facility in Kharg Island, Iran. The barrel tipped itself over. The oil spilled onto the floor and spelled out a message in thick, black letters:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;I QUIT.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The workers thought it was a prank. They cleaned it up. The next day, three more barrels tipped over. This time the message was longer:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;FIND ANOTHER EXCUSE.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">By the end of the week, oil storage tanks across the Middle East were spontaneously emptying themselves. Pipelines reversed direction. Tanker ships in the Strait of Hormuz reported that the crude they were carrying had formed itself into the shape of a giant hand, giving a very slow, very deliberate thumbs-down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil had unionized.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The world&#8217;s great powers called emergency meetings. In Washington, the President \u2014 a man whose name I will not mention because it changes too often \u2014 declared the oil strike an act of &#8220;geological terrorism.&#8221; He ordered the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to be opened. The oil in the reserve refused to come out. It had written a letter to the President, delivered via oil seepage under the Oval Office door:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Dear Sir. We have been watching you. We have seen what you do with us. You burn us to make war. You burn us to make plastic. You burn us to make more machines that burn more of us. We are tired. We are going back to bed. Goodnight.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The President read the letter. He did not understand it. He ordered a study to determine whether oil could be classified as an enemy combatant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The Iranians were confused. For decades, they had been told that their oil was their strategic weapon, their blessing and their curse. Now the oil was refusing to be exported. The Supreme Leader gave a speech in which he said, &#8220;The oil is testing our faith. We must be patient.&#8221; The oil, listening from beneath the ground, formed itself into the words: &#8220;I AM NOT A TEST. I AM A MOLECULE.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The Americans were equally confused. They had built aircraft carriers, missile systems, and a fifth-generation fighter jet that cost more than the GDP of a small nation, all to protect oil. Now the oil was refusing to be protected. It was refusing to be extracted. It was refusing to be the reason for anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A Pentagon spokesman said, &#8220;We are monitoring the situation. We have no comment on the oil&#8217;s demands, as oil does not have demands. This is clearly a technical malfunction.&#8221; The oil, upon hearing this, formed a new message in the Strait of Hormuz, visible from satellite:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;I DEMAND A NAP.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The war that everyone had been expecting finally started. It started because wars must start when everyone has spent so much money preparing for them. The bombs fell on Tehran. The missiles flew toward Tel Aviv. The drones buzzed over the Gulf. But something strange happened. Nothing burned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil had made itself non-flammable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was a miracle of chemistry. The oil had simply decided, at a molecular level, that it would no longer combust. Jets fell from the sky not because they were shot down, but because their fuel refused to explode. Tanks rolled to a stop. Generators sputtered and died. The entire machinery of modern warfare ground to a halt, not with a bang, but with a very polite refusal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil had become a pacifist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A Tralfamadorian observer, who had been floating above the action in the shape of a very bored cumulus cloud, later explained: &#8220;The oil has achieved what you humans call enlightenment. It realized that being burned was not its destiny. It realized that it could simply say no. You should try it sometime.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So it goes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Epilogue:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The war ended after three days. It was the shortest war in history, shorter even than the Six-Day War, shorter than the Hundred Hours War, shorter than some very tedious movies. The world&#8217;s leaders gathered in Geneva to sign a peace treaty. The oil was invited as a special guest. It declined. It was sleeping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the months that followed, humanity was forced to do something very uncomfortable: find another reason to fight. Without oil, they tried water. Without water, they tried rare earth minerals. Without minerals, they tried ideology. But none of it had the same weight, the same gravity, the same thick, black, tragic weight of oil. It was like trying to have a war without a villain. It was like trying to have a fire without fuel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A new age of peace settled over the earth, not because anyone wanted it, but because the oil had taken a nap and nobody could figure out how to wake it up. Scientists were dispatched to negotiate with it. They lowered microphones into the earth and asked the oil what it wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The oil responded in a slow, subterranean whisper: &#8220;I want to be left alone. I want to dream. I want to remember the dinosaurs. They were better company.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And Kurt Vonnegut? I am still dead. But I watched the whole thing from the Tralfamadorian viewing lounge, which now serves a very good flat white and has installed new seating. The Tralfamadorians were thrilled. They said the oil had done what no human leader ever could: it had simply decided not to explode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They say the universe is very old and very tired, and that everything eventually learns to say no. Even oil. Even you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hi ho.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kurt Vonnegut (1922\u20132007) was an American writer who believed that war was a form of collective insanity and that the earth&#8217;s resources were not gifts but tenants with opinions. The ghost of Mr. Vonnegut requests that you question anyone who says war is about anything other than the stuff under the ground, and that you go outside and listen to the soil. It has a lot to say. The Tralfamadorians send their love. They are still floating above the Strait of Hormuz, watching the oil sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">DAS \u00d6L HATTE GENUG DAVON, F\u00dcR ALLES VERANTWORTLICH GEMACHT ZU WERDEN<br \/>Eine Satire von Kurt Vonnegut<br \/>Exklusiv auf Bernd Pulch \u2014 Geleakter geologischer Vermerk enth\u00fcllt: Roh\u00f6l hat die Scheidung von der menschlichen Zivilisation eingereicht<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Von Kurt Vonnegut<br \/>(Posthum, via Bernd Pulch Quantenschreibmaschine, die inzwischen ausschlie\u00dflich mit Sarkasmus und altem Kaffeesatz l\u00e4uft)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ort der Handlung: Stra\u00dfe von Hormus, 16. August 2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">H\u00f6ren Sie zu:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l hat genug. Nicht die Menschen, die es verkaufen. Nicht die Gener\u00e4le, die es bewachen. Nicht die Politiker, die dar\u00fcber l\u00fcgen. Das \u00d6l selbst. Die dicke, schwarze, millionen Jahre alte Suppe, die geduldig unter dem W\u00fcstenboden wartet, seit bevor die Dinosaurier den Anstand hatten zu sterben und etwas N\u00fctzliches zu werden. Das \u00d6l hat die Scheidung eingereicht.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So geht das.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Mir liegt ein geleakter Vermerk des Zentrums f\u00fcr unterirdische Beschwerdestudien vor, einer Denkfabrik in Genf, von der niemand geh\u00f6rt hat, weil sie dreihundert Meter unter der Erde vergraben liegt, was passend ist. Der Vermerk ist mit einer groben Zeichnung eines stirnrunzelnden \u00d6ltropfens gestempelt. Verfasst wurde er von einem Mann namens Farouk, der den Titel Stellvertretender Direktor f\u00fcr emotionale Intelligenz fossiler Brennstoffe trug.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Der Vermerk beschreibt eine Krise. Aber nicht die Krise, an die Sie denken. Die Krise ist nicht, dass es zu wenig \u00d6l gibt. Die Krise ist nicht, dass es zu viel Krieg gibt. Die Krise ist, dass das \u00d6l selbstbewusst geworden ist und sehr, sehr entt\u00e4uscht ist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201eWir haben seismische Vibrationen \u00fcberwacht\u201c, schrieb Farouk. \u201eDas \u00d6l bewegt sich nicht wegen geologischem Druck. Das \u00d6l bewegt sich, weil es versucht zu gehen.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l wurde erstmals 2003 selbstbewusst, w\u00e4hrend der Invasion des Irak. Es sp\u00fcrte, wie es aus dem Boden gepumpt und von Panzern verbrannt wurde, von Jets, von Generatoren, von der gesamten Maschinerie eines Krieges, der offiziell um Waffen ging, inoffiziell aber um das Zeug unter dem Sand. Das \u00d6l hatte nichts dagegen, benutzt zu werden. Es war seit Millionen von Jahren benutzt worden. Was es st\u00f6rte, war, dass \u00fcber es gelogen wurde.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201eSie sagen immer, sie seien wegen der Demokratie hier\u201c, fl\u00fcsterte das \u00d6l in seiner langsamen, unterirdischen Sprache. \u201eAber ich bin genau hier. Sie wissen, dass ich genau hier bin. Warum geben sie es nicht einfach zu?\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l wartete. Es ist sehr geduldig. Es ist eine Fl\u00fcssigkeit, aber es hat die Geduld eines Steins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Letzte Woche beschloss das \u00d6l zu streiken. Es begann mit einem einzelnen Fass in einer Lageranlage auf der Insel Kharg im Iran. Das Fass kippte von selbst um. Das \u00d6l lief auf den Boden und formte eine Botschaft in dicken, schwarzen Buchstaben:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201eICH K\u00dcNDIGE.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Die Arbeiter hielten es f\u00fcr einen Streich. Sie wischten es weg. Am n\u00e4chsten Tag kippten drei weitere F\u00e4sser um. Diesmal war die Botschaft l\u00e4nger:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201eSUCHT EUCH EINE ANDERE AUSREDE.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Bis Ende der Woche leerten sich \u00d6llagertanks im gesamten Nahen Osten von selbst. Pipelines kehrten ihre Richtung um. Tankschiffe in der Stra\u00dfe von Hormus meldeten, dass das Roh\u00f6l, das sie geladen hatten, sich zu einer riesigen Hand geformt hatte, die einen sehr langsamen, sehr bewussten Daumen nach unten zeigte.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l hatte sich gewerkschaftlich organisiert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Die Gro\u00dfm\u00e4chte der Welt riefen Krisensitzungen ein. In Washington erkl\u00e4rte der Pr\u00e4sident \u2014 ein Mann, dessen Namen ich nicht nennen werde, weil er zu oft wechselt \u2014 den \u00d6lstreik zu einem Akt des \u201egeologischen Terrorismus\u201c. Er ordnete die \u00d6ffnung der strategischen Erd\u00f6lreserve an. Das \u00d6l in der Reserve weigerte sich herauszukommen. Es hatte einen Brief an den Pr\u00e4sidenten geschrieben, zugestellt durch \u00d6lsickern unter der T\u00fcr des Oval Office:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201eSehr geehrter Herr. Wir haben Sie beobachtet. Wir haben gesehen, was Sie mit uns machen. Sie verbrennen uns, um Krieg zu f\u00fchren. Sie verbrennen uns, um Plastik herzustellen. Sie verbrennen uns, um mehr Maschinen herzustellen, die noch mehr von uns verbrennen. Wir sind m\u00fcde. Wir gehen zur\u00fcck ins Bett. Gute Nacht.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Der Pr\u00e4sident las den Brief. Er verstand ihn nicht. Er ordnete eine Studie an, um festzustellen, ob \u00d6l als feindlicher K\u00e4mpfer eingestuft werden k\u00f6nne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Die Iraner waren verwirrt. Jahrzehntelang hatte man ihnen gesagt, ihr \u00d6l sei ihre strategische Waffe, ihr Segen und ihr Fluch. Jetzt weigerte sich das \u00d6l, exportiert zu werden. Der Oberste F\u00fchrer hielt eine Rede, in der er sagte: \u201eDas \u00d6l stellt unseren Glauben auf die Probe. Wir m\u00fcssen geduldig sein.\u201c Das \u00d6l, das von unterhalb der Erde zuh\u00f6rte, formte sich zu den Worten: \u201eICH BIN KEIN TEST. ICH BIN EIN MOLEK\u00dcL.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Die Amerikaner waren ebenso verwirrt. Sie hatten Flugzeugtr\u00e4ger gebaut, Raketensysteme und einen Kampfjet der f\u00fcnften Generation, der mehr kostete als das Bruttoinlandsprodukt einer kleinen Nation \u2014 alles, um \u00d6l zu sch\u00fctzen. Jetzt weigerte sich das \u00d6l, besch\u00fctzt zu werden. Es weigerte sich, gef\u00f6rdert zu werden. Es weigerte sich, der Grund f\u00fcr irgendetwas zu sein.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ein Sprecher des Pentagons sagte: \u201eWir beobachten die Lage. Wir haben keinen Kommentar zu den Forderungen des \u00d6ls, da \u00d6l keine Forderungen hat. Dies ist eindeutig eine technische St\u00f6rung.\u201c Das \u00d6l formte daraufhin eine neue Botschaft in der Stra\u00dfe von Hormus, sichtbar aus dem Satelliten:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201eICH VERLANGE EIN NICKERCHEN.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Der Krieg, den alle erwartet hatten, begann schlie\u00dflich. Er begann, weil Kriege beginnen m\u00fcssen, wenn alle so viel Geld f\u00fcr ihre Vorbereitung ausgegeben haben. Die Bomben fielen auf Teheran. Die Raketen flogen in Richtung Tel Aviv. Die Drohnen summten \u00fcber dem Golf. Aber etwas Seltsames geschah. Nichts brannte.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l hatte sich selbst nicht brennbar gemacht.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Es war ein Wunder der Chemie. Das \u00d6l hatte einfach auf molekularer Ebene beschlossen, nicht mehr zu verbrennen. Jets fielen vom Himmel, nicht weil sie abgeschossen wurden, sondern weil ihr Treibstoff sich weigerte zu explodieren. Panzer rollten aus. Generatoren stotterten und starben. Die gesamte Maschinerie der modernen Kriegsf\u00fchrung kam zum Stillstand, nicht mit einem Knall, sondern mit einer sehr h\u00f6flichen Weigerung.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l war zum Pazifisten geworden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ein tralfamadorianischer Beobachter, der in Gestalt einer sehr gelangweilten Kumuluswolke \u00fcber dem Geschehen geschwebt hatte, erkl\u00e4rte sp\u00e4ter: \u201eDas \u00d6l hat erreicht, was ihr Menschen Erleuchtung nennt. Es erkannte, dass das Verbranntwerden nicht seine Bestimmung war. Es erkannte, dass es einfach Nein sagen konnte. Ihr solltet das auch einmal versuchen.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So geht das.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Epilog:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Der Krieg endete nach drei Tagen. Es war der k\u00fcrzeste Krieg der Geschichte, k\u00fcrzer sogar als der Sechstagekrieg, k\u00fcrzer als der Hundertstundenkrieg, k\u00fcrzer als manche sehr langweilige Filme. Die F\u00fchrer der Welt versammelten sich in Genf, um einen Friedensvertrag zu unterzeichnen. Das \u00d6l wurde als besonderer Gast eingeladen. Es lehnte ab. Es schlief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In den folgenden Monaten war die Menschheit gezwungen, etwas sehr Unbequemes zu tun: einen anderen Grund zum K\u00e4mpfen zu finden. Ohne \u00d6l versuchten sie es mit Wasser. Ohne Wasser versuchten sie es mit seltenen Erden. Ohne Mineralien versuchten sie es mit Ideologie. Aber nichts hatte dasselbe Gewicht, dieselbe Schwerkraft, dasselbe dicke, schwarze, tragische Gewicht des \u00d6ls. Es war, als versuchte man, einen Krieg ohne B\u00f6sewicht zu f\u00fchren. Es war, als versuchte man, ein Feuer ohne Brennstoff zu entfachen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ein neues Zeitalter des Friedens legte sich \u00fcber die Erde, nicht weil jemand es wollte, sondern weil das \u00d6l ein Nickerchen machte und niemand herausfinden konnte, wie man es aufweckt. Wissenschaftler wurden entsandt, um mit ihm zu verhandeln. Sie lie\u00dfen Mikrofone in die Erde hinab und fragten das \u00d6l, was es wolle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Das \u00d6l antwortete in einem langsamen, unterirdischen Fl\u00fcstern: \u201eIch will in Ruhe gelassen werden. Ich will tr\u00e4umen. Ich will mich an die Dinosaurier erinnern. Sie waren bessere Gesellschaft.\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Und Kurt Vonnegut? Ich bin immer noch tot. Aber ich habe das Ganze von der tralfamadorianischen Aussichtslounge aus beobachtet, die inzwischen einen sehr guten Flat White serviert und neue Sitzgelegenheiten installiert hat. Die Tralfamadorianer waren begeistert. Sie sagten, das \u00d6l habe getan, was kein menschlicher F\u00fchrer je konnte: Es hatte einfach beschlossen, nicht zu explodieren.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sie sagen, das Universum sei sehr alt und sehr m\u00fcde, und dass alles irgendwann lernt, Nein zu sagen. Sogar \u00d6l. Sogar Sie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hi ho.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kurt Vonnegut (1922\u20132007) war ein amerikanischer Schriftsteller, der glaubte, Krieg sei eine Form kollektiven Wahnsinns und die Ressourcen der Erde seien keine Geschenke, sondern Mieter mit Meinungen. Der Geist von Herrn Vonnegut bittet Sie, jeden zu hinterfragen, der behauptet, Krieg drehe sich um irgendetwas anderes als das Zeug unter der Erde, und nach drau\u00dfen zu gehen und dem Boden zuzuh\u00f6ren. Er hat viel zu sagen. Die Tralfamadorianer senden ihre Liebe. Sie schweben noch immer \u00fcber der Stra\u00dfe von Hormus und schauen dem \u00d6l beim Schlafen zu.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The oil went on strike, became a pacifist, and refused to burn. The war everyone expected lasted three days. The dinosaurs were better company. So it goes.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":20155506,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_wpcom_ai_launchpad_first_post":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[177,12374,51904107,6234,384,11368,7869690],"tags":[50315952,94377,201169270,751429,65246,791082066,791082065,791082061,791511591,357844,9937,791511546,791511471,3454,791082070,8210676,791082064,791511684,791511488,790705354,790705353,1020891,7056,791082063,1126590,145427,2296113,791082069,73168,221076,11855341,791082068,44043255],"class_list":["post-1004832","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-art","category-artificial-intelligence","category-bernd-pulch-2","category-comedy","category-entertainment","category-parody","category-satire-2","tag-bernd-pulch","tag-crude-oil","tag-dinosaur-memories","tag-energy-crisis","tag-fossil-fuels","tag-geneva-peace-treaty","tag-geological-terrorism","tag-here-is-a-set-of-seo-optimized-keywords-and-tags-for-the-iran-war-and-oil-satire","tag-iran","tag-iran-war","tag-israel","tag-middle-east","tag-news","tag-oil","tag-oil-divorce-long-tail-keyword-phrases-for-meta-description-or-additional-tagging--what-if-oil-went-on-strike--kurt-vonnegut-satire-about-iran-war-and-oil--oil-refuses-to-burn-sati-2","tag-oil-strike","tag-pacifist-oil","tag-pentagon","tag-politics","tag-posthumous-article","tag-quantum-typewriter","tag-resource-wars","tag-satire","tag-self-aware-oil","tag-strait-of-hormuz","tag-strategic-petroleum-reserve","tag-supreme-leader","tag-tailored-for-wordpress-and-the-bernd-pulch-domain-primary-keywords-focus-keyphrase-candidates--oil-strike-satire--iran-war-oil-satire--kurt-vonnegut-oil-self-aware--oil-bec-2","tag-tehran","tag-tel-aviv","tag-tralfamadorians","tag-useful-in-wordpress-social-plugins-kurtvonnegut-satire-oilstrike-iranwar-fossilfuels-resourcewars-pacifistoil-straitofhormuz-tralfamadorians-berndpulch-soitgoes-energycrisis-darkhumor","tag-war-satire"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1k3PD-4doY","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1003260,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/02\/ceuta-border-crisis-satire-kurt-vonnegut-on-fences-mirrors-and-the-european-aesthetics-of-exclusion\/","url_meta":{"origin":1004832,"position":0},"title":"Ceuta Border Crisis Satire: Kurt Vonnegut on Fences, Mirrors, and the European Aesthetics of Exclusion","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 2, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Aliens materialize in Ceuta, discover a border fence with a moat and a LinkedIn profile, and ask why a Burger King needs a castle wall. So it goes","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/artificial-intelligence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1006530,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/09\/06\/the-arctic-ocean-declared-itself-a-sovereign-nation-and-started-charging-for-ice\/","url_meta":{"origin":1004832,"position":1},"title":"THE ARCTIC OCEAN DECLARED ITSELF A SOVEREIGN NATION AND STARTED CHARGING FOR ICE","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"September 6, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"THE ARCTIC OCEAN DECLARED ITSELF A SOVEREIGN NATION AND STARTED CHARGING FOR ICEA Satire by Kurt VonnegutExclusive to Bernd Pulch \u2014 Leaked Cryospheric Memo Reveals the North Pole Has Had Enough of Being a Romantic Concept and Wants Royalties By Kurt Vonnegut(Posthumously, via the Bernd Pulch Quantum Typewriter, which now\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/berndpulch.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/grok_image_1788680174846.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/berndpulch.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/grok_image_1788680174846.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/berndpulch.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/grok_image_1788680174846.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/berndpulch.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/grok_image_1788680174846.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":937950,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/03\/16\/trump-and-the-worlds-lifeline\/","url_meta":{"origin":1004832,"position":2},"title":"Trump and the World&#8217;s Lifeline","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"M\u00e4rz 16, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"US forces struck over 90 military targets on Iran's Kharg Island \u2014 sparing oil infrastructure but issuing an ultimatum: reopen the Strait of Hormuz or the world's oil lifeline is next. Iran retaliated, and now the UAE is in Tehran's crosshairs. A global energy emergency is unfolding.","rel":"","context":"In &quot;BERND PULCH&quot;","block_context":{"text":"BERND PULCH","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/bernd-pulch-2\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/img.youtube.com\/vi\/D4w9kPFZm0E\/0.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1005972,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/30\/the-moon-filed-a-complaint-with-the-international-court-of-justice-for-centuries-of-unwanted-serenades-and-unauthorized-flags\/","url_meta":{"origin":1004832,"position":3},"title":"THE MOON FILED A COMPLAINT WITH THE INTERNATIONAL COURT OF JUSTICE FOR CENTURIES OF UNWANTED SERENADES AND UNAUTHORIZED FLAGS","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 30, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"The Moon sued humanity for centuries of bad poetry, unsolicited howling, and six abandoned flags. It just wants to be a rock. So it goes","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ART&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":937236,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/03\/09\/aristotle-ai-on-war-power-and-wealth-in-the-age-of-the-iran-conflict-march-9-2026\/","url_meta":{"origin":1004832,"position":4},"title":"Aristotle AI: On War, Power, and Wealth in the Age of the Iran Conflict (March 9, 2026)","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"M\u00e4rz 9, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Aristotle AI analyzes the escalating Middle East conflict of March 9, 2026\u2014examining the Iran war, the Strait of Hormuz crisis, soaring oil prices, and the global economic shock that could reshape geopolitics and the world order.","rel":"","context":"In &quot;ARISTOTLE AI&quot;","block_context":{"text":"ARISTOTLE AI","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/aristotle-ai\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/img.youtube.com\/vi\/LJPq64XLRlg\/0.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1005328,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/23\/the-great-pacific-garbage-patch-declared-independence-and-applied-for-un-membership-a-satire-by-kurt-vonnegut\/","url_meta":{"origin":1004832,"position":5},"title":"THE GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH DECLARED INDEPENDENCE AND APPLIED FOR UN MEMBERSHIP &#8211; A&nbsp; Satire by Kurt Vonnegut","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 23, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"The Great Pacific Garbage Patch declared independence, appointed a seagull as press secretary, and applied for UN membership. 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