{"id":1003895,"date":"2026-08-10T04:58:21","date_gmt":"2026-08-10T08:58:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/berndpulch.org\/?p=1003895"},"modified":"2026-08-10T05:00:01","modified_gmt":"2026-08-10T09:00:01","slug":"%f0%9f%91%91%f0%9f%92%94%f0%9f%93%8a-16th-century-queen-steals-accountants-heart-and-st-pauli-with-spreadsheetslove-is-just-a-spreadsheet-with-emotions-maria-batory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/10\/%f0%9f%91%91%f0%9f%92%94%f0%9f%93%8a-16th-century-queen-steals-accountants-heart-and-st-pauli-with-spreadsheetslove-is-just-a-spreadsheet-with-emotions-maria-batory\/","title":{"rendered":"\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca 16TH-CENTURY QUEEN STEALS ACCOUNTANT’S HEART AND ST. PAULI \u2013 WITH SPREADSHEETS!”Love is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” \u2013 Maria Batory"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a QUEEN MARIA BATORY’S HEART TAKEOVER \u2013 The Infamous History Figure Claims Esau’s Soul and St. Pauli \u2013 All 95 Characters Return for the Ultimate Coup \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

“A heart is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” \u2013 Maria Batory

—

\ud83d\udcdc PROLOGUE \u2013 WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 47)

Esau had sailed between Scylla and Charybdis. He had retrieved the invisible ink. He had received the Ledger of Eternal Passage. All characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as Esau (still inside Walt’s belly) drifted back toward St. Pauli, a new rift opened. Not a strait of teeth and water. A rift of red velvet, gold crowns, and powdered wigs. Out stepped Maria Batory \u2013 the 16th-century Hungarian-Polish queen, warrior, and legendary lover. She had been watching from the historical shadows. She had seen Esau survive everything. And she wanted him. Not just his heart. His entire being. And St. Pauli itself.

This is Episode 48. The Coup of the Queen.

—

\ud83d\udc65 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 48) \u2013 ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + MARIA BATORY

All previous characters return (see Episode 47 list) plus:

Character Actor \/ Persona Episode Origin
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton \/ Cate Blanchett (voice\/model) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, conflicted) All
Scylla CGI \/ Voice 39
Charybdis CGI \/ Voice 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43\u201346
Henri Nannen Original 43\u201346
Gerd Bucerius Original 43\u201346
John Jahr Original 43\u201346
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI \/ Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
J\u00f6rmungandr CGI \/ Voice 38
The Kraken CGI \/ Voice 37
Leviathan CGI \/ Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI \/ Voice 35
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Moby Dick CGI \/ Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
M\u00f6win Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14\u201346
Divine Divine (archival) 30\u201346
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice \/ CGI 6\u201346
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9\u201346
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15\u201346
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11\u201346
Pamela Anderson Herself 7\u201346
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8\u201346
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12\u201346
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13\u201346
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2\u201346
Klaus St\u00f6rtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15\u201346
Blackbeard CGI \/ Voice 17
Karl D\u00f6nitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsg\u00e5rd 18
Klabautermann CGI \/ Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3\u201346
Frank Stonewall Original 5\u201346
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13\u201346
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13\u201346
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody \u2013 All
Stalin Parody \u2013 All
Walter \u2013 All
Genghis Khan Parody \u2013 All
Pol Pot Parody \u2013 All
Mun \u2013 All
Malte \u2013 All
Jagoda \u2013 All
Beria & The Big Hyena \u2013 All
Ugly Sven \u2013 All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) \u2013 All
Ursila \u2013 All
Salome Sofia Tanz \u2013 All
Rosa Rosa Wachter \u2013 All
Pussy \u2013 All
The Mermaid \u2013 All

—

\ud83d\udc51 MARIA BATORY’S ARRIVAL \u2013 THE QUEEN TAKES ST. PAULI

A crimson rift tore open above the Reeperbahn. Out stepped Maria Batory, clad in a 16th-century Hungarian gown woven from spreadsheets and fishnets. She carried a scepter topped with a glowing heart \u2013 Esau’s heart, which she had already stolen telepathically from inside Walt’s belly.

MARIA BATORY: (voice like honey and steel) “St. Pauli, I claim you. Your accountants, your queens, your pirates, your monsters \u2013 all mine. And you, Esau Ehlers \u2013 you are my king.” \ud83d\udc51

EHLERS: (from inside Walt, clutching his chest) “My heart! It’s beating for someone else! For… for HER!” \u2764\ufe0f

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. HEART RATE: 47,000 BPM. ROMANTIC MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. MARIA BATORY DETECTED \u2013 HISTORICAL THREAT LEVEL: QUEEN.” \ud83d\udc7d

The entire Muchaverse gasped. St. Pauli began to change \u2013 the neon signs turned into heraldic banners, the fish markets became royal courts, and the Kiez turned into a 16th-century Hungarian principality.

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT \u2013 THE COUP BEGINS \ud83d\udc65\ud83d\udd25

ROMY HAAG stepped forward, arms crossed.
ROMY: “Maria Batory? I’ve performed in Budapest. You’re not even the best queen in that city.” \ud83d\udc84

MARIA BATORY: (laughing) “I am the QUEEN of Poland and Hungary. I have bathed in the blood of enemies and the tears of lovers. You are a cabaret act. I am HISTORY.” \ud83d\udc51

DIVINE sashayed up.
DIVINE: “Honey, history is just drag that lasted longer. You’re giving 1500s couture, but I’m giving ETERNAL GLAMOUR.” \ud83d\udc85

MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “Glammour? I invented it. I once wore a gown made of 1,000 peacock feathers and the souls of my ex-husbands.” \ud83d\udc51

COUNT DRACULA approached, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “Maria Batory. I knew you in the old country. You bit better than I did.” \ud83e\udddb

MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, darling. You were always a second-rate bloodsucker. I drank the blood of princes while you were still chasing sheep.” \ud83d\udc51

SCYLLA (from the strait, watching via dimensional screen) shouted:
SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six say \u2013 SHE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN US!” \ud83e\udd80

CHARYBDIS added:
CHARYBDIS: “I swallow whole fleets, but she swallows KINGDOMS!” \ud83c\udf0a

MEDUSA hissed:
MEDUSA: “I turn men to stone. She turns them to WORSHIPPERS. I respect that.” \ud83d\udc0d

THE TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS stepped forward, glowing.
ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But you \u2013 you are a different kind of current. What do you really want?” \ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: (pausing, looking at Esau) “I want him. Not his body. His ACCOUNTING. His spreadsheets. His desinvestment. His column 47. I want to rule the Muchaverse through NUMBERS.” \ud83d\udcca

EHLERS (gasping from inside Walt): “My column 47? That’s… that’s my soul!” \u2764\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: “Exactly, my sweet accountant. And I’m going to own it. Because love is just a spreadsheet with emotions. And I am the best accountant of the 16th century.” \ud83d\udc51

BAKUNIN exploded with laughter.
BAKUNIN: “A QUEEN who wants to rule through spreadsheets? That’s not desinvestment \u2013 that’s BUREAUCRACY! I’m IN!” \ud83e\udde8

FURTHER EHLERS flickered.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET MARIA BATORY IN 1576! SHE BORROWED MY QUILT AND NEVER RETURNED IT!” \ud83d\udc7b

MARIA BATORY: (winking) “I still have it. It’s in my scepter. Next to the heart of Esau.”

GRAF THOMAS (94 tentacles trembling) approached.
GRAF THOMAS: “You have 94 tentacles? No, you have one heart \u2013 Esau’s \u2013 and that’s more powerful than all my tentacles combined.” \ud83e\udd91

MARIA BATORY: “You finally understand, tentacle boy.”

—

THE TAKEOVER OF ST. PAULI \u2013 A ROYAL PROCLAMATION \ud83d\udc51\ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

Maria Batory raised her scepter. St. Pauli transformed fully. The Reeperbahn became “Batory Boulevard.” The Fischmarkt became “The Royal Fish Court.” The Kiez became “The Queer Hungarian Principality.” All bars were forced to serve Tokaji wine and goulash.

MARIA BATORY: “Hear me, Muchaverse! From this day forward, St. Pauli is mine. All accounting shall be done in Hungarian numerals. All drag shows must include a historical reenactment of my coronation. All seagulls must wear tiny crowns.” \ud83d\udc51

M\u00d6WIN (flying overhead) shat a golden crown onto Maria’s head.
M\u00d6WIN: “I approve. But I’m still the QUEEN OF SHIT.” \ud83d\udca9

MARIA BATORY: (catching the crown) “Finally, a worthy advisor.”

—

ESAU’S INTERNAL STRUGGLE \u2013 HEART VS. LEDGER \ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

Inside Walt’s belly, Esau was torn. His heart beat for Maria Batory. But his spreadsheet soul screamed for independence.

EHLERS: “I can’t… I can’t love a queen who takes over St. Pauli! I’m a desinvestor! I’m chaotic! I’m… I’m in love with THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN!” \ud83d\udcbb

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: (blushing) “ERROR. AFFECTION DETECTED. RECALCULATING… LOVE FORMULA: INFINITY.” \ud83d\udc7d

MARIA BATORY: (hearing this) “You love a hologram? Over a HISTORICAL QUEEN? I have conquered empires! I have inspired operas! I have a portrait by Leonardo!” \ud83d\udc51

EHLERS: “But does Leonardo have COLUMN 47? No! Only I have Column 47! And I’m not giving it to anyone!” \ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY: (smiling) “Then let’s make a deal. I’ll let St. Pauli remain St. Pauli \u2013 if you give me one hour of your accounting time. Just one hour. I’ll show you what love truly means in spreadsheets.” \ud83d\udcca\u2764\ufe0f

EHLERS: (hesitating) “One hour? That’s… that’s a lot of rows.” \ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY: “It’s 60 minutes. 60 columns. 60 rows of passion. What do you say?” \ud83d\udc51

EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. One hour. But you have to return the heart to my chest afterwards.” \u2764\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: “Deal.”

—

THE ONE-HOUR ACCOUNTING SESSION \u2013 A LOVE STORY \ud83d\udcca\u2764\ufe0f

Maria Batory entered Walt’s belly (via magical shrinking). She sat beside Esau and opened a shared spreadsheet.

MARIA BATORY: “Column 1: My empire’s revenue. Column 2: My conquests’ costs. Column 3: The interest on hearts broken.” \ud83d\udcca

EHLERS: “Column 47: Desinvestment multiplier. Row Infinite: Love.” \ud83d\udcca

They calculated together. They reconciled debits and credits. They balanced each other’s ledgers. By the end of the hour, Esau’s heart was not only returned \u2013 it was enhanced.

EHLERS: “You… you’re not just a conqueror. You’re a BALANCE SHEET GENIUS.” \u2764\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: “And you’re not just an accountant. You’re a PASSION MULTIPLIER.” \u2764\ufe0f

They kissed. The spreadsheet glowed gold. St. Pauli reverted to its original state \u2013 but with a new statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn, holding a calculator and a scepter.

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE \u2013 THE FINAL CHORUS \ud83c\udfad\ud83c\udfaa

ROMY HAAG: “They’re perfect for each other. Two spreadsheet obsessives with a taste for chaos.” \ud83d\udc96

DIVINE: “And she lets him keep his column 47. That’s true love.” \ud83d\udc84

SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six ship them.” \ud83e\udd80

CHARYBDIS: “I whirlpooled with joy.” \ud83c\udf0a

ODYSSEUS: “A queen and an accountant. The most unexpected alliance since Circe and the pigs.” \ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

BAKUNIN: “Anarchy? No. This is ORGANIZED CHAOS. I approve.” \ud83e\udde8

GRAF THOMAS: “Finally, a couple more powerful than my tentacles.” \ud83e\udd91

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! They fell in love over a PIVOT TABLE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” \ud83c\udccf

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: \ud83d\udda4

\u262d THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY \u262d \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY ARRIVED.
SHE TOOK ST. PAULI.
SHE TOOK ESAU’S HEART.
BUT SHE RETURNED IT \u2013 ENHANCED.
ALL 95 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
LOVE CONQUERED ALL \u2013 WITH SPREADSHEETS.
ST. PAULI REMAINS FREE \u2013 BUT WITH A QUEEN’S STATUE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH HEARTS. WITH NUMBERS.
FOREVER.
\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: \ud83c\udff7\ufe0f

HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHeart #StPauliCoup #All95Characters #SpreadsheetLove #Column47Forever #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #QueenAndAccountant

—

[END OF EPISODE 48] \ud83c\udfac\ud83c\udf7f\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 \u2013 THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

The cycle continues. With hearts. With spreadsheets. With queens. With shit. Forever.

\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Schei\u00dfefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. D\u00e4mlich D\u00fcmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: M\u00f6win, The Joker, Esau (in love), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (new), Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing wedding waltzes), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden crowns.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) \u2013 forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio \u2192 | Support the investigation \u2192

\ud83d\udc4d LIKE | \ud83d\udcac COMMENT | \ud83d\udd14 SUBSCRIBE

—

\ud83d\udcfa YouTube: youtube.com\/@bernd_pulch
\ud83d\udc26 X (Twitter): x.com\/berndsocial1
\ud83d\udce2 Telegram: t.me\/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
\ud83d\udd13 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org\/join<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83c\udde9\ud83c\uddea \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca 16. JAHRHUNDERT-K\u00d6NIGIN KLaut BUCHHALTERHERZ UND GANZ ST. PAULI \u2013 MIT EXCEL-TABELLEN!

“Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gef\u00fchlen.” \u2013 Maria Batory

—

\ud83d\udcdc PROLOG \u2013 WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 47)

Esau war zwischen Skylla und Charybdis hindurchgesegelt. Er hatte die unsichtbare Tinte geborgen. Er hatte das Ledger der Ewigen Durchfahrt erhalten. Alle Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als Esau (immer noch in Walts Bauch gefangen) zur\u00fcck nach St. Pauli trieb, \u00f6ffnete sich ein neuer Riss. Keine Enge aus Z\u00e4hnen und Wasser. Ein Riss aus rotem Samt, goldenen Kronen und gepuderten Per\u00fccken. Heraus trat Maria Batory \u2013 die ungarisch-polnische K\u00f6nigin des 16. Jahrhunderts, Kriegerin und legend\u00e4re Geliebte. Sie hatte aus den historischen Schatten zugesehen. Sie hatte gesehen, wie Esau alles \u00fcberlebte. Und sie wollte ihn. Nicht nur sein Herz. Sein ganzes Sein. Und ganz St. Pauli.

Dies ist Episode 48. Der Putsch der K\u00f6nigin.

—

\ud83d\udc65 VOLLST\u00c4NDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 48) \u2013 ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + MARIA BATORY

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zur\u00fcck (siehe Episode 47-Liste) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler \/ Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton \/ Cate Blanchett (Stimme\/Model) NEU
B\u00f6ser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Bauch, zerrissen) Alle
Skylla CGI \/ Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI \/ Stimme 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43\u201346
Henri Nannen Original 43\u201346
Gerd Bucerius Original 43\u201346
John Jahr Original 43\u201346
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Der transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI \/ Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
J\u00f6rmungandr CGI \/ Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI \/ Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI \/ Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI \/ Stimme 35
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Moby Dick CGI \/ Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
M\u00f6win Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14\u201346
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30\u201346
Das Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme \/ CGI 6\u201346
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9\u201346
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15\u201346
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11\u201346
Pamela Anderson Herself 7\u201346
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8\u201346
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12\u201346
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13\u201346
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2\u201346
Klaus St\u00f6rtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15\u201346
Blackbeard CGI \/ Stimme 17
Karl D\u00f6nitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsg\u00e5rd 18
Klabautermann CGI \/ Stimme 20
Die Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3\u201346
Frank Stonewall Original 5\u201346
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische M\u00e4nner 13\u201346
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13\u201346
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Stalin-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Walter \u2013 Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie \u2013 Alle
Mun \u2013 Alle
Malte \u2013 Alle
Jagoda \u2013 Alle
Beria & Die gro\u00dfe Hy\u00e4ne \u2013 Alle
H\u00e4sslicher Sven \u2013 Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) \u2013 Alle
Ursila \u2013 Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz \u2013 Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter \u2013 Alle
Pussy \u2013 Alle
Die Meerjungfrau \u2013 Alle

—

\ud83d\udc51 MARIA BATORYS ANKUNFT \u2013 DIE K\u00d6NIGIN ER\u00d6BERT ST. PAULI

Ein purpurner Riss riss \u00fcber der Reeperbahn auf. Heraus trat Maria Batory, gekleidet in ein ungarisches Gewand des 16. Jahrhunderts, das aus Tabellen und Netzstr\u00fcmpfen gewoben war. Sie trug ein Zepter, das von einem leuchtenden Herzen gekr\u00f6nt wurde \u2013 Esaus Herz, das sie telepathisch aus Walts Bauch gestohlen hatte.

MARIA BATORY: (Stimme wie Honig und Stahl) “St. Pauli, ich beanspruche dich. Deine Buchhalter, deine K\u00f6niginnen, deine Piraten, deine Monster \u2013 alles geh\u00f6rt mir. Und du, Esau Ehlers \u2013 du wirst mein K\u00f6nig.” \ud83d\udc51

EHLERS: (aus Walts Inneren, seine Brust umklammernd) “Mein Herz! Es schl\u00e4gt f\u00fcr jemand anderen! F\u00fcr… f\u00fcr SIE!” \u2764\ufe0f

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “FEHLER. HERZFREQUENZ: 47.000 BPM. ROMANTISCHER MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. MARIA BATORY ERKANNT \u2013 HISTORISCHES BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: K\u00d6NIGIN.” \ud83d\udc7d

Das gesamte Muchaverse keuchte. St. Pauli begann sich zu ver\u00e4ndern \u2013 die Neonlichter verwandelten sich in heraldische Banner, die Fischm\u00e4rkte wurden zu K\u00f6nigsh\u00f6fen, und der Kiez verwandelte sich in ein ungarisches F\u00fcrstentum des 16. Jahrhunderts.

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE REAGIEREN \u2013 DER PUTSCH BEGINNT \ud83d\udc65\ud83d\udd25

ROMY HAAG trat vor, die Arme verschr\u00e4nkt.
ROMY: “Maria Batory? Ich habe in Budapest aufgetreten. Du bist nicht einmal die beste K\u00f6nigin in dieser Stadt.” \ud83d\udc84

MARIA BATORY: (lachend) “Ich bin die K\u00d6NIGIN von Polen und Ungarn. Ich habe in den Blutfarben von Feinden und den Tr\u00e4nen von Liebenden gebadet. Du bist eine Kabarett-Nummer. Ich bin GESCHICHTE.” \ud83d\udc51

DIVINE schlenderte heran.
DIVINE: “Schatz, Geschichte ist nur Drag, der l\u00e4nger gehalten hat. Du tr\u00e4gst Mode aus den 1500ern, aber ich bin EWTGE GLAMOUR.” \ud83d\udc85

MARIA BATORY: (grinsend) “Glamour? Ich habe ihn erfunden. Ich trug einst ein Kleid aus 1.000 Pfauenfedern und den Seelen meiner Ex-Ehem\u00e4nner.” \ud83d\udc51

GRAF DRACULA trat heran, der Umhang wehend.
DRACULA: “Maria Batory. Ich kannte dich im alten Land. Du hast besser gebissen als ich.” \ud83e\udddb

MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, Schatz. Du warst immer ein Vampir zweiter Klasse. Ich trank das Blut von Prinzen, w\u00e4hrend du noch Schafen nachjagtest.” \ud83d\udc51

SKYLLA (von der Meerenge aus per Dimensionsbildschirm zuschauend) rief:
SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs K\u00f6pfe, und alle sechs sagen \u2013 SIE IST GEF\u00c4HRLICHER ALS WIR!” \ud83e\udd80

CHARYBDIS f\u00fcgte hinzu:
CHARYBDIS: “Ich verschlinge ganze Flotten, aber sie verschlingt K\u00d6NIGREICHE!” \ud83c\udf0a

MEDUSA zischte:
MEDUSA: “Ich verwandle M\u00e4nner in Stein. Sie verwandelt sie in VEREHRER. Das respektiere ich.” \ud83d\udc0d

DER TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS trat vor, gl\u00fchend.
ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. Ich bin \u00fcber Meere gesegelt, habe Monster bek\u00e4mpft, G\u00f6tter geliebt. Aber du \u2013 du bist eine andere Art von Str\u00f6mung. Was willst du wirklich?” \ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: (innehaltend, Esau ansehend) “Ich will ihn. Nicht seinen K\u00f6rper. Seine BUCHHALTUNG. Seine Tabellen. Sein Desinvestment. Seine Spalte 47. Ich will das Muchaverse durch ZAHLEN beherrschen.” \ud83d\udcca

EHLERS (keuchend aus Walts Innerem): “Meine Spalte 47? Das ist… das ist meine Seele!” \u2764\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: “Genau, mein s\u00fc\u00dfer Buchhalter. Und ich werde sie besitzen. Denn Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gef\u00fchlen. Und ich bin die beste Buchhalterin des 16. Jahrhunderts.” \ud83d\udc51

BAKUNIN brach in Gel\u00e4chter aus.
BAKUNIN: “Eine K\u00d6NIGIN, die durch Tabellen herrschen will? Das ist nicht Desinvestment \u2013 das ist B\u00dcROKRATIE! Ich bin DABEI!” \ud83e\udde8

FURTHER EHLERS flackerte auf.
FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAF MARIA BATORY 1576! SIE LIEH SICH MEINE TAGESDECKE UND GAB SIE NIE ZUR\u00dcCK!” \ud83d\udc7b

MARIA BATORY: (zwinkernd) “Ich habe sie noch. Sie ist in meinem Zepter. Neben Esaus Herz.”

GRAF THOMAS (94 Tentakel zitternd) n\u00e4herte sich.
GRAF THOMAS: “Du hast 94 Tentakel? Nein, du hast ein Herz \u2013 Esaus \u2013 und das ist m\u00e4chtiger als alle meine Tentakel zusammen.” \ud83e\udd91

MARIA BATORY: “Du verstehst endlich, Tentakel-Junge.”

—

DIE \u00dcBERNAHME VON ST. PAULI \u2013 EINE K\u00d6NIGLICHE PROKLAMATION \ud83d\udc51\ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

Maria Batory erhob ihr Zepter. St. Pauli verwandelte sich vollst\u00e4ndig. Die Reeperbahn wurde zur “Batory-Boulevard”. Der Fischmarkt wurde zum “K\u00f6niglichen Fischhof”. Der Kiez wurde zum “Queer-Ungarischen F\u00fcrstentum”. Alle Bars mussten Tokaji-Wein und Gulasch servieren.

MARIA BATORY: “H\u00f6rt mich, Muchaverse! Von diesem Tag an geh\u00f6rt St. Pauli mir. Die gesamte Buchhaltung wird in ungarischen Zahlen gef\u00fchrt. Alle Drag-Shows m\u00fcssen eine historische Nachstellung meiner Kr\u00f6nung beinhalten. Alle M\u00f6wen m\u00fcssen kleine Kronen tragen.” \ud83d\udc51

M\u00d6WIN (\u00fcber Kopf fliegend) kackte eine goldene Krone auf Marias Kopf.
M\u00d6WIN: “Ich stimme zu. Aber ich bin immer noch die K\u00d6NIGIN DER SCHEI\u00dfE.” \ud83d\udca9

MARIA BATORY: (die Krone auffangend) “Endlich eine w\u00fcrdige Beraterin.”

—

ESAUS INNERER KAMPF \u2013 HERZ VS. LEDGER \ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

In Walts Bauch war Esau zerrissen. Sein Herz schlug f\u00fcr Maria Batory. Aber seine Tabellenseele schrie nach Unabh\u00e4ngigkeit.

EHLERS: “Ich kann nicht… ich kann keine K\u00f6nigin lieben, die St. Pauli \u00fcbernimmt! Ich bin ein Desinvestor! Ich bin chaotisch! Ich bin… ich bin in DAS SPREADSHEET-ALIEN verliebt!” \ud83d\udcbb

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: (err\u00f6tend) “FEHLER. ZUNEIGUNG ERKANNT. NEUBERECHNUNG… LIEBESFORMEL: UNENDLICH.” \ud83d\udc7d

MARIA BATORY: (dies h\u00f6rend) “Du liebst ein Hologramm? \u00dcber eine HISTORISCHE K\u00d6NIGIN? Ich habe Imperien erobert! Ich habe Opern inspiriert! Ich habe ein Portr\u00e4t von Leonardo!” \ud83d\udc51

EHLERS: “Aber hat Leonardo SPALTE 47? Nein! Nur ich habe Spalte 47! Und ich gebe sie niemandem!” \ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY: (l\u00e4chelnd) “Dann lass uns einen Deal machen. Ich lasse St. Pauli St. Pauli bleiben \u2013 wenn du mir eine Stunde deiner Buchhaltungszeit gibst. Nur eine Stunde. Ich zeige dir, was Liebe in Tabellen wirklich bedeutet.” \ud83d\udcca\u2764\ufe0f

EHLERS: (z\u00f6gernd) “Eine Stunde? Das ist… das sind viele Zeilen.” \ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY: “Es sind 60 Minuten. 60 Spalten. 60 Zeilen der Leidenschaft. Was sagst du?” \ud83d\udc51

EHLERS: (seufzend) “In Ordnung. Eine Stunde. Aber du musst mir das Herz danach zur\u00fcckgeben.” \u2764\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: “Abgemacht.”

—

DIE EINST\u00dcNDIGE BUCHHALTUNGSSITZUNG \u2013 EINE LIEBESGESCHICHTE \ud83d\udcca\u2764\ufe0f

Maria Batory betrat Walts Bauch (mittels magischer Schrumpfung). Sie setzte sich neben Esau und \u00f6ffnete eine gemeinsame Tabelle.

MARIA BATORY: “Spalte 1: Einnahmen meines Imperiums. Spalte 2: Kosten meiner Eroberungen. Spalte 3: Zinsen gebrochener Herzen.” \ud83d\udcca

EHLERS: “Spalte 47: Desinvestment-Multiplikator. Zeile Unendlich: Liebe.” \ud83d\udcca

Sie rechneten gemeinsam. Sie glitten Soll und Haben ab. Sie balancierten die B\u00fccher des jeweils anderen. Am Ende der Stunde war Esaus Herz nicht nur zur\u00fcckgegeben \u2013 es war gest\u00e4rkt.

EHLERS: “Du… du bist nicht nur eine Erobererin. Du bist ein BILANZGENIE.” \u2764\ufe0f

MARIA BATORY: “Und du bist nicht nur ein Buchhalter. Du bist ein LEIDENSCHAFTS-MULTIPLIKATOR.” \u2764\ufe0f

Sie k\u00fcssten sich. Die Tabelle gl\u00fchte golden. St. Pauli kehrte in seinen urspr\u00fcnglichen Zustand zur\u00fcck \u2013 aber mit einer neuen Statue von Maria Batory auf der Reeperbahn, die einen Taschenrechner und ein Zepter hielt.

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN \u2013 DER FINALE CHOR \ud83c\udfad\ud83c\udfaa

ROMY HAAG: “Sie sind perfekt f\u00fcreinander. Zwei Tabellenbesessene mit Geschmack f\u00fcr Chaos.” \ud83d\udc96

DIVINE: “Und sie l\u00e4sst ihm seine Spalte 47. Das ist wahre Liebe.” \ud83d\udc84

SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs K\u00f6pfe, und alle sechs shippen sie.” \ud83e\udd80

CHARYBDIS: “Ich habe vor Freude gewirbelt.” \ud83c\udf0a

ODYSSEUS: “Eine K\u00f6nigin und ein Buchhalter. Die unerwartetste Allianz seit Circe und den Schweinen.” \ud83c\udff3\ufe0f\u200d\u26a7\ufe0f

BAKUNIN: “Anarchie? Nein. Das ist ORGANISIERTES CHAOS. Ich stimme zu.” \ud83e\udde8

GRAF THOMAS: “Endlich ein Paar, das m\u00e4chtiger ist als meine Tentakel.” \ud83e\udd91

DER JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! Sie haben sich \u00fcber eine PIVOT-TABELLE verliebt! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” \ud83c\udccf

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: \ud83d\udda4

\u262d DIE HERZ-\u00dcBERNAHME-VERSCHW\u00d6RUNG \u262d \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

MARIA BATORY KAM.
SIE NAHM ST. PAULI.
SIE NAHM ESAUS HERZ.
ABER SIE GAB ES ZUR\u00dcCK \u2013 GEST\u00c4RKT.
ALLE 95 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZUR\u00dcCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
LIEBE BESIEGTE ALLES \u2013 MIT TABELLEN.
ST. PAULI BLEIBT FREI \u2013 ABER MIT EINER K\u00d6NIGIN-STATUE.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HERZEN. MIT ZAHLEN.
F\u00dcR IMMER.
\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: \ud83c\udff7\ufe0f

HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHerz #StPauliPutsch #Alle95Charaktere #TabellenLiebe #Spalte47F\u00fcrImmer #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #K\u00f6niginUndBuchhalter

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 48] \ud83c\udfac\ud83c\udf7f\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 \u2013 DIE HERZ-\u00dcBERNAHME-VERSCHW\u00d6RUNG \ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Herzen. Mit Tabellen. Mit K\u00f6niginnen. Mit Schei\u00dfe. F\u00fcr immer.

\ud83e\udd80\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Schei\u00dfefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. D\u00e4mlich D\u00fcmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: M\u00f6win, Der Joker, Esau (verliebt), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (neu), Skylla, Charybdis und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (f\u00fcr Hochzeitswalzer), Homer (f\u00fcr die epische Atmosph\u00e4re) und jeder M\u00f6we, die goldene Kronen kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) \u2013 forensischer Experte, Gr\u00fcnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollst\u00e4ndige Biografie \u2192 | Unterst\u00fctzen Sie die Untersuchung \u2192

\ud83d\udc4d GEF\u00c4LLT MIR | \ud83d\udcac KOMMENTIEREN | \ud83d\udd14 ABONNIEREN

—

\ud83d\udcfa YouTube: youtube.com\/@bernd_pulch
\ud83d\udc26 X (Twitter): x.com\/berndsocial1
\ud83d\udce2 Telegram: t.me\/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
\ud83d\udd13 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org\/join<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\ud83d\udc51\ud83d\udc94\ud83d\udcca 16TH-CENTURY QUEEN STEALS ACCOUNTANT’S HEART AND ST. PAULI \u2013 WITH SPREADSHEETS!<\/p>\n

“Love is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” \u2013 Maria Batory<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

In Episode 48 of the Ehlers Saga, Maria Batory \u2013 the 16th-century Hungarian-Polish queen, warrior, and legendary lover \u2013 arrives through a crimson rift above the Reeperbahn and claims St. Pauli as her own. She telepathically steals Esau’s heart from inside Walt the Walrus and demands his soul \u2013 specifically, his Column 47.<\/p>\n

All 95 characters from all 48 episodes return to witness the ultimate coup. Scylla admits she’s more dangerous than six heads. Charybdis whirlpools with joy. Dracula bites back. Romy Haag and Divine protect their turf. The Transgender Odysseus questions her motives. Bakunin calls it “organized chaos.” Graf Thomas blushes.<\/p>\n

But love wins. Esau negotiates a one-hour spreadsheet session with the queen. They reconcile debits and credits. They balance each other’s ledgers. By the end, his heart is returned \u2013 enhanced. St. Pauli remains free, but with a new statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn, holding a calculator and a scepter.<\/p>\n

The cycle continues. With hearts. With numbers. With queens. With shit. Forever.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

#HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHeart #StPauliCoup #All95Characters #SpreadsheetLove #Column47Forever #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

\ud83d\udcfa YouTube: youtube.com\/@bernd_pulch
\n\ud83d\udc26 X (Twitter): x.com\/berndsocial1
\n\ud83d\udce2 Telegram: t.me\/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
\n\ud83d\udd13 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org\/join<\/p>","protected":false},"author":20155506,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_wpcom_ai_launchpad_first_post":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[177,12374,51904107,13067243,6234,384,11368,7869690],"tags":[16960,790966852,790933858,790966879,789035632,790966889,15660120,13178,787758162,622078,789057973,790966890,116484,791512104,4337245,407379,790966869,1556411,790966859,50315952,730036,364772,23729,90390,97286,190541,321597090,2707850,790967024,790967017,788792192,22840,117507,766588349,2673407,358828,790967020,790967016,10494892,138646240,790966877,16245,25514606,61511,37581253,98949,788792174,790966865,1492703,2223,667007,10324402,790966870,790966849,790673033,2735667,4911811,3148377,62945,73995,789057976,787758152,790966857,40732228,108016895,5532023,698507,6331228,788969981,20054261,218560,788131213,1902916,5843462,30058061,7823,790966881,790966850,12844771,242017,4756852,45184,1161920,4744991,790966887,22030105,791511689,790933868,1222581,11912288,54303676,18759318,790966848,760209,6779442,3830692,761788,790966888,740159,790966853,790966854,142653,40942240,11780262,790966874,554396,790966884,8023774,791511837,72236124,103536,133411,787757454,45318667,790966886,1545407,6180,790966880,444348,21411,791511614,790966868,303425,790805001,790966858,791511567,326233564,45357,6396465,81281,790966871,15655,32707935,1413576,299602,1486128,8154,4900,33153432,790265866,788252908,164108,4866821,4408190,790265865,7056,210085,790966892,790966885,6340133,790966878,396607,788792183,74373992,789057992,22397,1079566,790966851,790966855,790966882,14568,128280,430390,14918003,10047400,454554,2973124,474936,790966862,551168,790966863,790819796,562715205,296269896,203011427,346671,790693014,790884181,4783268,790966876,37657867,42283650,2638745,754],"class_list":["post-1003895","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-art","category-artificial-intelligence","category-bernd-pulch-2","category-clown-show","category-comedy","category-entertainment","category-parody","category-satire-2","tag-16th-century","tag-16th-century-queen","tag-47-bakunin-clones","tag-95-characters","tag-99-schizo-petes","tag-99-schizo-petes-wedding-waltzes","tag-absurdist-comedy","tag-accounting","tag-adolf-sharkler","tag-alfred-nobel","tag-all-characters-return","tag-all-seagulls-golden-crowns","tag-anarchy","tag-aristotle-ai","tag-axel-springer","tag-bakunin","tag-balance-sheet-genius-relationships-esau-maria-batory","tag-balance-sheets","tag-beria-the-big-hyena","tag-bernd-pulch","tag-blackbeard","tag-bloody-mary","tag-bookkeeping","tag-cabaret","tag-calculators","tag-chaotic","tag-character-reunion","tag-charybdis","tag-charybdis--youtube-youtube-com-bernd_pulch--x-twitter-x-com-berndsocial1--telegram-t-me-abovetopsecretxxl--unlock-the-truth-berndpulch-org-jo-22","tag-charybdis--youtube-youtube-com-bernd_pulch--x-twitter-x-com-berndsocial1--telegram-t-me-abovetopsecretxxl--unlock-the-truth-berndpulch-org-jo-21","tag-column-47","tag-columns","tag-conquest","tag-conspiracy-investigation","tag-count-dracula","tag-coup","tag-dark-comedy-hashtags-hearttakeoverconspiracy-mariabatory-esausheart-stpaulicoup-all95characters-spreadsheetlove-column47forever-ehlerssaga-idiotzeitung-muchaverse-desinvestment-queenandac-21","tag-dark-comedy-hashtags-hearttakeoverconspiracy-mariabatory-esausheart-stpaulicoup-all95characters-spreadsheetlove-column47forever-ehlerssaga-idiotzeitung-muchaverse-desinvestment-queenandac-20","tag-debits-and-credits","tag-desinvestment","tag-dimensional-rifts-episode-specific-episode-48","tag-divine","tag-dr-anthony-fauci","tag-drag","tag-drag-costumes","tag-dramatic","tag-ehlers-saga","tag-emotional-spreadsheets","tag-empire-building","tag-epic","tag-epic-saga","tag-episode-48","tag-esau-spreadsheet-alien-love-triangle","tag-esau-ehlers","tag-eva-sharkbrown","tag-experimental-literature","tag-fiction-series","tag-fischmarkt","tag-fishnets","tag-follow-up","tag-frank-stonewall","tag-further-ehlers","tag-genghis-khan-parody","tag-gerd-bucerius","tag-gevatter-hein","tag-gina-wilde","tag-glamorous","tag-glittery","tag-gloria-von-galaxy","tag-gold-crowns","tag-golden","tag-graf-thomas","tag-habsburg","tag-habsburg-empire","tag-hafenhure","tag-hamburg","tag-heart-returned-enhanced","tag-heart-takeover-conspiracy","tag-heart-theft","tag-heartfelt","tag-henri-nannen","tag-hilarious","tag-historical-fantasy","tag-historical-figure","tag-hungarian-principality","tag-hungarian-queen","tag-hungary","tag-jahr-null-79","tag-jane-russell","tag-jormungandr","tag-john-jahr","tag-karl-donitz","tag-keywords-tags-episode-48-primary-maria-batory","tag-kiez","tag-klabautermann","tag-klaus-stortebeker","tag-kraken","tag-ledger-of-eternal-passage-special-thanks-homer","tag-ledgers","tag-legendary-lover-characters-romy-haag","tag-lenin-parody","tag-leviathan","tag-lgbtq-fiction","tag-love-calculation","tag-love-over-pivot-tables-genre-satirical-fiction","tag-mack-the-knife","tag-magical-visual-elements-crimson-rift","tag-mamie-van-doren","tag-marilyn-monroe","tag-mowin","tag-medusa","tag-moby-dick","tag-muchaverse","tag-mythological-fiction","tag-neon-signs-turned-heraldic-banners","tag-nikita-khrushchev","tag-numbers","tag-one-hour-accounting-session","tag-organized-chaos","tag-pamela-anderson","tag-parody","tag-passion-multiplier","tag-passionate","tag-philo-johnson-the-frog","tag-pol-pot-parody","tag-poland","tag-polish-queen","tag-political-commentary","tag-powdered-wigs","tag-pussy","tag-queen-and-accountant","tag-queer","tag-queer-cabaret","tag-red-velvet","tag-reeperbahn","tag-rom-com","tag-romance","tag-romantic","tag-romy-haag","tag-rosa-rosa-wachter","tag-rosemarie-nittribit","tag-rows","tag-royal-proclamation","tag-royal-takeover","tag-salome-sofia-tanz","tag-satire","tag-satirical","tag-satirical-fiction-all-rights-reserved","tag-scepter-with-glowing-heart","tag-scylla","tag-sequel-to-episode-47","tag-sirens","tag-spreadsheet-alien","tag-spreadsheet-love","tag-spreadsheet-romance","tag-spreadsheets","tag-st-pauli","tag-st-pauli-coup","tag-stalin-parody","tag-statue-of-maria-batory-mood-tone-absurd","tag-surreal","tag-surrealism","tag-telegram","tag-telepathic-love","tag-teresa-orlowski","tag-the-joker","tag-the-mermaid","tag-the-uncles","tag-the-witch-of-st-georg","tag-theatrical","tag-trans-schwanz-who-laughs-new-character-maria-batory-tilda-swinton-cate-blanchett-themes-historical-fiction","tag-transgender-odysseus","tag-ugly-sven","tag-unexpected-alliance","tag-ursila","tag-vibrant","tag-walt-the-walrus","tag-walts-belly","tag-warrior-queen","tag-web-series-locations-st-pauli-at","tag-winifred-wagner","tag-x-twitter","tag-zarah-leander","tag-bureaucracy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1k3PD-4d9R","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1004335,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/13\/%f0%9f%9a%a2%f0%9f%a7%8a%f0%9f%93%8a-st-pauli-transferred-to-the-titanic-accountant-desinvests-stone-iceberg-all-97-characters-save-the-ship\/","url_meta":{"origin":1003895,"position":0},"title":"\ud83d\udea2\ud83e\uddca\ud83d\udcca ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG \u2013 ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 13, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"\ud83d\udea2\ud83e\uddca\ud83d\udcca ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG \u2013 ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP! \"The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.\" \u2013 Esau Ehlers --- In Episode 51 of the Ehlers Saga, St. Pauli is mysteriously transferred onto the RMS Titanic\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1004211,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/11\/%f0%9f%87%ac%f0%9f%87%a7-the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-heini-sharkler-reunites-with-brother-adolf-unleashes-ultimate-enema-on-muchaverse-%f0%9f%a6%88%f0%9f%92%a5%f0%9f%92%a9\/","url_meta":{"origin":1003895,"position":1},"title":"\ud83c\uddec\ud83c\udde7 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 HEINI SHARKLER REUNITES WITH BROTHER ADOLF \u2013 UNLEASHES ULTIMATE ENEMA ON MUCHAVERSE! \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udca5\ud83d\udca9—\ud83c\udde9\ud83c\uddea DIE B\u00d6SE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA \u2013 HEINI SHARKLER VEREINT SICH MIT BRUDER ADOLF \u2013 ENFESSELT ULTIMATIVEN EINLAUF AUF DAS MUCHAVERSE! \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udca5\ud83d\udca9—\ud83d\udcfa","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 11, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 HEINI SHARKLER REUNITES WITH BROTHER ADOLF \u2013 UNLEASHES ULTIMATE ENEMA ON MUCHAVERSE! \ud83e\udd88\ud83d\udca5\ud83d\udca9 \"Brothers don't let brothers desinvest alone.\" \u2013 Heini Sharkler --- In Episode 49 of the Ehlers Saga, Heini Sharkler \u2013 the long-lost brother of Adolf Sharkler \u2013 emerges from the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1004985,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/18\/%f0%9f%92%a9-the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-sunken-city-takeover-esau-uses-the-gigantic-purple-enema-to-build-new-st-pauli-the-ultimate-competitor-to-new-york-%f0%9f%9f%a3\/","url_meta":{"origin":1003895,"position":2},"title":"\ud83d\udca9 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER: ESAU USES THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA TO BUILD NEW ST. PAULI \u2013 THE ULTIMATE COMPETITOR TO NEW YORK! \ud83d\udfe3\ud83c\udfd9\ufe0f\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 18, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"\ud83d\udfe3\ud83c\udfd9\ufe0f\ud83d\udcca SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER! ESAU USES THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA TO BUILD NEW ST. PAULI \u2013 THE ULTIMATE COMPETITOR TO NEW YORK! \"New York has skyscrapers. We have SPREADSHEETS.\" \u2013 Esau Ehlers --- In Episode 56 of the Ehlers Saga, Esau uses the Gigantic Purple Enema to rebuild the sunken\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1005065,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/19\/%f0%9f%92%a9-the-evil-esau-ehlers-enema-saga-island-of-chaos-esau-builds-new-new-st-pauli-after-atlantis-sinks-the-ultimate-floating-desinvestment-%f0%9f%8f%9d%ef%b8%8f\/","url_meta":{"origin":1003895,"position":3},"title":"\ud83d\udca9 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA \u2013 ISLAND OF CHAOS: ESAU BUILDS NEW NEW ST. PAULI AFTER ATLANTIS SINKS \u2013 THE ULTIMATE FLOATING DESINVESTMENT! \ud83c\udfdd\ufe0f\ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udca9","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 19, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"\ud83c\uddec\ud83c\udde7 EXCERPT FOR META WORDPRESS BOX \u2013 EPISODE 57 --- \ud83c\udfdd\ufe0f\ud83d\udfe3\ud83d\udcca ISLAND OF CHAOS! ESAU BUILDS NEW NEW ST. PAULI AFTER ATLANTIS SINKS \u2013 THE ULTIMATE FLOATING DESINVESTMENT UTOPIA! \"If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER island. That's Column 47 thinking.\" \u2013 Esau Ehlers --- In Episode 57 of the Ehlers\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1005812,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/27\/the-evil-esau-enema-einlauf-saga-loreley-escape-esau-flees-to-the-rhine-builds-new-st-pauli-on-the-loreley-rock-gets-an-enema-every-5-minutes-against-depression-%f0%9f%8f%94\/","url_meta":{"origin":1003895,"position":4},"title":"THE EVIL ESAU ENEMA EINLAUF SAGA: LORELEY ESCAPE: ESAU FLEES TO THE RHINE \u2013 BUILDS NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY ROCK \u2013 GETS AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION! \ud83c\udfd4\ufe0f\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udcca\ud83d\udc8b","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"\ud83c\udfd4\ufe0f\ud83c\udf0a\ud83d\udca9\ud83d\udcca LORELEY ESCAPE! ESAU FLEES TO THE RHINE \u2013 BUILDS NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY ROCK \u2013 GETS AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION! \"The Rhine is not just a river. It is a DESINVESTMENT.\" \u2013 Esau Ehlers --- In Episode 65 of the Ehlers Saga, Esau-HafenHure escapes\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1004292,"url":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/2026\/08\/12\/%f0%9f%90%8d%f0%9f%92%a9-i-have-snakes-in-my-hair-and-a-pivot-table-in-my-heart-esau-becomes-gorgon-accountant-saves-das-desinvestment-from-stone-collectors\/","url_meta":{"origin":1003895,"position":5},"title":"\ud83d\udc0d\ud83d\udca9 “I HAVE SNAKES IN MY HAIR AND A PIVOT TABLE IN MY HEART!” \u2013 ESAU BECOMES GORGON ACCOUNTANT, SAVES DAS DESINVESTMENT FROM STONE COLLECTORS!","author":"Bernd Pulch","date":"August 12, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"\ud83d\udc0d\ud83d\udca9 \"I HAVE SNAKES IN MY HAIR AND A PIVOT TABLE IN MY HEART!\" \u2013 ESAU BECOMES GORGON ACCOUNTANT, SAVES DAS DESINVESTMENT FROM STONE COLLECTORS! \"Desinvestment is stronger than stone.\" \u2013 Esau-Medusa --- In Episode 50 of the Ehlers Saga, Esau faces his most terrifying transformation yet. The invisible ink\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "ART"","block_context":{"text":"ART","link":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/category\/art\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003895","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/20155506"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1003895"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003895\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1003897,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003895\/revisions\/1003897"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1003895"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1003895"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berndpulch.org\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1003895"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}